Another interesting thing which I observed once again.
Well...it all started when we were supposed to do our history project. That god-damn thing was really freaking us all out as we're always so busy and it's hard to find a time where everybody is free. Esther was displeased, Cheryl was busy, Hwee Tian was nonchalant and I was simply too stressed out to even say anything about it.
Remember when I said that it's not that ppl don't have time to do work but it really depends on whether they bother to put in the effort and stuff? Yeah. I don't seem to see the effort in this project. Esther was rather pissed at the end...when only the both of us are doing the projectwork. I was almost late for my piano because of that. Plus, I didn't manage to buy the sketchbook I wanted so badly cuz I was already late for piano.
Well, that made me think some more.
I've realized that Hwee Tian reminds me of my old self during primary school. I'm always only thinking about what I feel like doing and not the greater good. Dan pointed that out to me and I realized that I was being a selfish person.
Instant-gratification. That's what they called it.
So yeah, there I was; listening to Esther speaking in an irritated tone about how Hwee Tian didn't want to stay back. I asked Hwee Tian in class before dismissal whether she was going to stay back and help with the project because I couldn't stay (Piano...remember?) and Cheryl had already gone for her sports heat. (a.k.a school sports stuff) So that would leave Esther finishing up all the work by herself.
"Oh...I'm not staying back because they are going to do painting and I don't really have anything else to do." She replied me in a nonchalant manner and in a tone that practically said 'Heck. I've done all my part. So leave me alone already.'
Then I realized. Why in the world are people always talking about completing only their part? Don't they figure that since another person is busy, (heck. We're all busy.) so we need to fill in their work as well? I felt a wave of irritation at that point because it's not like she had anything after school to do like Cheryl, Esther and me, who have sports heat, choir and piano respectively. She just wanted to go home straight away to do something she wants to.
I bet Dan is somehow laughing at this post if she's reading it. Finally, I've understood how she felt. Plus I realized that she has been an extremely patient person and I feel thankful.
Esther also mentioned in a tactful tone that the painting of the poster was quite screwed up. (Yes, basically to sum it all up, that's the word to use.) I swear that she is kinda...right. Not that I want to say anything about Hwee Tian's painting skills...but her choice of colours is freaking me out. Can you imagine dark green, golden and brown all in the same poster? My god. I got the shock of my life when i saw the picture. Plus I had reminded her to be careful when painting the day before on the bus. Yet the paint was practically spilled everywhere onto the poster. It was so ridiculously messy that I've decided I'll do the painting next time.
She even told me during class that the painting of the poster was hard. Yeah...I know that. Yet I don't think she even gave much effort about it. Esther also told me that Hwee Tian told her that she woke up in the morning and thought that gold was a nice colour, so she painted it golden.
*sigh*
In the end, the project was so screwed up that I can't stand to look at it.
I mean...in terms of effort, I think Hwee Tian really slacked this time. She is usually the person who puts in the most effort. So I'm pretty disappointed in her this time. Cheryl did her best at least, even though she did not have time to help out a lot. Esther was definitely trying her best as well and I'm sure I put in lots of effort when I'm told to do something so important.
Noticed yet? It's not the amount of work you do that makes people think whether you deserve the full marks of the project or not. It's whether you want to put in that effort.
I've also decided that I'm not going to gossip about the other girls anymore. (Not that i do usually, but word still gets around about some people...) It's really not right. Our society is so sick and twisted that people actually even say mean things about someone who is simply trying to be kind. Take Hannah for example, she has her faults by no doubts. Yet she is willing to care and to be concerned for the other girls in the class. Still, people say bad things about her just because she cares too much.
I've decided I shall follow my heart and decide who my friends should be by judging not by their popularity or looks. But by the kindness in their hearts.
Honestly. I think I've definitely forgotten about that since I was seperated from all my primary school friends. I've forgotten about what it means to have a caring friend and to judge people by their kindness, not the way they are popular or good-looking.
This is something that is more of common sense that I feel stupid even saying that I've forgotten about it. Therefore, it is important that i change myself right now. While people strive to become pretty on the outside, I'm going to become a much kinder person on the inside as well.
It's what on the inside that counts. It's your heart.
Anyways, I think Esther is seriously going to mark Hwee Tian down for her lack of effort this time. Thank god the project is only 20% of our CA1...if it was 40%, I think I would have died from looking at it.
Oh yeah. Plus I feel quite happy about myself recently. I've become a much more sociable person and I smile more often. One of my friend came up to me today and told me that her friend said I was pretty. She said my hair has 'style'. LOL. Quite cool acutally.
It's been long since someone said that to me. Frankly, I feel sooooo happy.
Also, we had this scout's/girl guide's international thingy. Anyway, the main thing is that other scouts and girl guides from over the world (only some scouts and guides) would come to our school. We saw a guy scout team from Japan. Kiat Ni was being funny lol. She said one of the boys was trying to hit on me and she was pushing me away to save me from his 'lustful' gaze or something like that. xD Apparently, the guy noticed us and was pointing to me while signalling his friend something. A bit like how guys tell each other there's a cute girl on the opposite of the road.
Seriously, Kiat Ni was hilarious. I couldn't stop laughing.
Plus she went to disturb Pingping again, and almost got choke-slammed for it. xDDD
Quite funny. No. VERY FUNNY. Ahahahaha....
Then she had many plans on how to disturb Pingping. Like Plan A (which failed and earned her a choke-slam. xD) , Plan B (which she was supposed to run away right after calling pingping " Ping-niu", yet she was almost caught and given another strangling by Pingping.) and lastly, Plan C. (which she did not really carry out.)
Life is funny with her around.
Anyways. I better stop blogging and go to bed or write my story. It's getting late.
I've decided that Hwee Tian's theory about the rubberband thing might be right. She concluded that we're like rubberbands...stretching and stretching far beyond what we can stretch. Yet somehow the experiences that stretch us would help to shape us into a perfect rubberband.
Or...something like that.
I've also learnt a new word today. It's called "Nai4 Kan4" It means that when someone is not really attractive at first, but later people start to realize how attractive that person could be. Either that, or it could be that the person WAS attractive from the start and people never seem to get tired looking at that person cuz he/she is far too good-looking.
Kiat Ni said I was one of those ppl. =X (actually, I didn't hear her properly till later...where she was busy explaining that she didn't mean it in a 'boost-my-ego' kind of way.)
Yeah. Maybe if I could just get those fats out of my face, neck and legs. Then I'll look better.
I'll probably edit this post later. I think i'm coming down with fever and feel like going to rest a while. x.x
So many things happened today. I think I'm super stressed.
Firstly, there's the problem with the Bio marks. I didn't clarify which test was considered and gave the wrong marks to my Bio rep. =.= Yes, I know it was stupid. So now my marks dropped from 15.5 to 6.5 over 20. Then the teacher said cannot change le. I wanted to rip her head off. The progress report was printed TODAY. Not yesterday. Not the day before yesterday. BUT TODAY. So can't she simply walk over to the general office or something and type in a few numbers? Would it kill her to help a poor student in need? Just because she refused to help, my A1 became an extremely lousy fail. Well, too bad for her. I'm not so kind to teachers who refuse to give me my marks. Tomorrow is meet-the-parents session and I can tell you... Some teachers are going to receive the hell they have been longing to get since they incurred my wrath. So damn angry. I'm not going to let her off so easily. Though she is usually a nice teacher, her laziness has apparently made me really pissed off. That's the thing about young teachers nowadays. They have no drive. They don't care about their students at all. They just wanna get their job over and done with. If that's the case...then why bother to be a teacher in the first place?
If you wanna be a teacher, you must know that there is a lot required from you instead of just doing your job. You, yourself, are the very embodiment of the teaching system and you need to inspire the students and win their hearts OR respect instead of simply teaching nonsense. Yes, I know. Sometimes teachers have a hard time as well. But have you given a thought about how things became that way? Everything has a cause and effect. If you have a student who hates you, there must have been something that made him/her hate you so. It could be anything ranging from the way you teach to the way you speak to the students. I, myself, have seen countless (okay, maybe not that much.) of wonderful, inspiring and amazing teachers that made me give every single last bit of respect to them.
Why? It's because they are different. They bother to CARE.
Some teachers just keep giving lots of homework cuz 'the parents says so'. Then the students file countless of complains against that teacher and she screams that she's under a lot of stress. What about the poor students she taught then? Don't they have stress? I've seen my friends struggle through the whole night with their homework, just simply trying to finish FIFTEEN chinese newspaper articles in one night. My heart bleeds for them and I'm sure they feel upset as well.
We study, they work. That's how the school works. Sad thing is, there's not much love left in this world and even teachers refuse to gave a damn about us. I'm not saying ALL of them are like that...but most of them nowadays are just hopeless. I just feel so damn frustrated and sad for the whole student cohort. It's like...for example, a problem student is giving the teachers a hard time. Instead of trying to find out why the student was behaving in such a way, they simply send them for detention, couselling and whatnot. I'm not saying that the teachers should be some kind of busybody or anything, but I'm sure, if even ONE teacher bothered to help that student, he/she would try to change himself/herself. Then few years down the road, the student would come back and tell the teacher how much he/she had changed his/her life.
A simple gesture. A little love.
That's all it takes to find your way into people's hearts.
Some teachers bully other teachers. Some teachers are being oppressed by other teachers. Then when MOE comes, everybody puts on a facade, just to be a 'good school'. Why in the world do they even bother? When the teachers in the school are already screaming to want to commit suicide (yes, there was one who freaked out and said so. Maybe he was simply joking.) , why do the school even bother to put on such a mask? Solving problems need us to go straight to the root and not wander around, trying to pretend the problem does not exist. We can't 'open one eye and close one eye' forever.
I think I'm going to cry. This situation is so damn sad. We're all so pathetic. I'm just gonna be emo.
I can't deny that I miss everything in my primary school. My friends, my teachers....the joy we had. Yet people have to move on. We can't think of the past for so long as it would only torture us. So what if we cry? Nothing changes. It's been like that for ages.
The principal also never bothered about us. Maybe it was because she'll eventually leave the school one day and she figured, "Heck. Why do I need to bother about these small little insignificant children? I'll just do my job." And because of that, there we go again. I remembered she used to struck me as a money-faced person who didn't care about the student welfare in sec one. But as I went to sec two and had a concert with my CCA, she did something that I would probably never forget. She walked to the backstage and smiled at all of us, and when she saw some of us shivering, she took down her shawl and placed it around us. I was so touched at that moment. See what I mean? A simple gesture. My perspective changed since then. She was no longer the money-faced person behind-the-scenes that did not care about us. Though I'm still not that approving of her, I can tell that I won't forget what she did for an extremely long period of time. I thought about it and wondered, was she trying to put on a facade once again? Just like she always do in front of us.
Teenagers and children can tell when an adult is smiling sincerely or simply smiling for the sake of smiling.
My life surprises me sometimes. I go through the craziest things and learn so much. Especially since secondary school. I feel less like a helpless girl who only knows how to hide behind my friends. God. I seriously miss them though. I still remember the times we smiled and played together. They taught me how to live and I'm still currently learning till this day. They were the onces who hurt me when we argue, but they were also the ones who stood fiercely between me and the person who wanted to bully me. They were the ones who were there when I cried. They were the ones who gave me a packet of tissue paper and said softly, "Shang. It's okay. You can stop crying already..."
I never hated them. I never...ever said I would hate them for anything they did. Heck, they can even betray me real bad and all I'll do is shrug.
My secondary school friends also care a lot, I can tell. Hwee Tian taught me how to hold my head up high and be a confident person. Kiat Ni taught me how strong friendship can be and how to laugh. Cheryl taught me that a person can have many personalities but it always boils down to only one true face. Pingping taught me what it means to be protective and care for your friends.
And somehow, I can see the shadows of my primary school friends in them. The smiles, the laughter, the love they gave.
It was once said that human bonds where the strongest emotions that can be felt in this world. I think it's true. Through school...through them...I've learnt so much.
And...these are...certain things that I would never forget. Never ever forget.
It's funny how slow time gets when you're waiting.
Currently, I don't really feel well...having a real bad stomachache. (and yes. These things can hurt.) I hate this. Anyways...the computer is having the sound card problem again. This time I got frustrated and called my mum to ask her colleague to teach us how to solve the stupid problem once and for all, so that we need not bother him every single time.
Seriously. Something is wrong with this com. If my older com hadn't been the laggiest crap I've ever seen, I wouldn't be bother with this com. (This com IS kinda cool however...)
First the sound card, then the keyboard....then the sound card....then the keyboard...then the sound card AGAIN.
Somehow, it always happen during the holidays. Is this some kind of conspiracy?
Blah. And I still haven't decided what to name my hamsters. Furball and Sleepyhead? Sounds weird to me.
Haix. My story isn't very popular compared to the NejixHinataxGaara one. Although that story has an extremely messed up plot, the readers still like it. o.o I would love to continue, but judging by the way I messed up the story, I think it's going to be hard.
Hm...I've realized a great difference in Ning's writing style and mine. She writes with this aura...this great sense of maturity. While I write like a 4 year old kid. I love her writing style a lot. Maybe one day she'll publish a book and I'll be her number one fan~!
My vocabulary of words is really lousy. I'm going read through her previous writings later and pick out a few good words and sentences to learn.
Got my Audition avatar yesterday. I simply love it lol. It's so adorable. xD One of the best part is the face and the ears. It's the ears from the anime 'Chobits'. Totally Kawaii~! I would have made my character look like Chii if I had the chance, but they didn't have the right hairstyle... My couzzie and his friend also had the 'Chobits' style ears and seriously, they looked so nice as well. Haha. Especially the ears for the guys...because it's blue, while the ears for the girls is pink. (This means I'm rather biased towards the colour blue...Heh heh.) Soooo pretty. However, now the sound card isn't working...so I can't do audition. Haix. So sad.
I wonder why she called him 'Twinnie'? lol. I have a suspicion that she is his girlfriend, Wendy. I mean, they really acted kinda close and even their in-game names are similar! Like...Woah. Plus she wanted to have couple dance, where I'm sure she probably wanted to team with my couzzie. Strange thing was, he didn't tell me it was his girlfriend or something. He just said it was a 'friend'. Like lol! There's nothing to hide about such stuff. >=D
Maybe he was shy. xDDD Okay. Better stop laughing at him.
Ah...nothing else to say le. So I shall stop for now. See ya!
Today choir's workshop went pretty okay. But i was exhausted by the end of it.
Hmm....currently smsing frank. I think I'm being rather harsh. I think it's cuz i was getting irritated at him being sentimental. I mean...yeah...you can be sentimental if you want, but don't dwell on it for so long. It's been so long and we can't forget.
We keep living the same freaking nightmare. We keep thinking about the harsh actions that were done to us. We keep thinking about how they let us down...we keep thinking about how freaking lonely we are. Maybe I was angry cuz I thought I finally got over some things but he had to remind me on how much it hurt then.
I wrote, "...I'm really...all that's left of what supposed to be a happy ending. I don't have anybody. Don't you think I'm not lonely? It looks like I still have you as a good friend. But frankly....You're always not getting over what's gone. It's time to move on. There's nothing left to cry about anymore."
I sound like I have some serious issues. O.O
Well who cares. Maybe I have been influenced by Hwee Tian. She taught me to pick myself up and move on. Don't dwell in the sickening past if you don't have to.
So that's what I did. I didn't care about anything anymore. I won't pretend it never happened, cuz it did. But I won't keep thinking about it as well. I don't want to hear anything about it ever again. I'm going to move on and that's it.
I don't pity those who hurt me. If other people hurt them, it's called retribution.
Suddenly, I don't feel like replying him anymore.
I won't save him. I'll tell him to stand up himself. ___________________________________________________________________
Maybe it was retribution. Because I hurt her once, someone helped her to hurt me.
No amount of apology and sorry would do the job.
Maybe I had it coming all along.
No amount of tears could bring back what used to be.
I'm tired of harping on the same subject.
I'm sick of telling myself how much I didn't blame her, but I hated him.
I don't want to care. I don't need to know.
I'm done with being in pain. I'm going to pick myself up.
I'll help Frank up, but if he chooses to sit and drown, there's nothing much I can do either.
I'm not a saint.
Even if the whole world hates me...even if I really have no where else to go...
I can always go and sit in my corner.
Crying, being scared, retreating more and more into the darkness.
It was then I realized. I have always been alone. I'm just trying to run away from it.
Because I'm so darn pathetic. Because I didn't wanna admit it.
If I really opened my eyes in the darkness, I know who I'll see.
It's Sakura, Freya and Sky.
The only three who have been with me for so long.
Sakura, with her everlasting kindness. Freya, with her strong-will and firm sense of reality.
Lastly, Sky...with her ever warm arms and glowing light that would shield me from the darkness. Her acceptance. Her guidance.
Ning is right. I'm fading into the darkness. Very fast indeed.
We had projectwork today. What can I say...well...it's very distracted. Esther wasn't very happy and well...we're all obsessed with the hamsters.
After they left, I just got very upset. I felt like something was gone... I didn't know if I lost anybody or did I do something wrong. I told Ning...and it totally got her all worried. I'm so sorry...
Well. You wanna know about my school? Seems like I never really talked about it. Our school is the perfect example of how good looking guys can be so stuck up that it makes you wanna shove something right up their...well. You know. I can't stand some of them. They strut around thinking they're the greatest guys in the world and think that they can do anything they want JUST because they are so-called "good looking". I'm not saying all the guys are like that. But most of the good looking ones are.
The girls are okay...except for some. Scandalous? I don't know. I never understood some people. Neither do I want to.
I've realised that i don't have a large circle of friends in school. I'm not very popular either. I'm rather insignificant. Just the typical girl...
Ha. Ha. Wait till they see me out of school. (If I bother to dress up properly)
Sometimes, I even shock myself. It feels like when the ugly duckling grows up and turns into a swan. I don't really feel that insignificant anymore.
Talking to min makes me realize that something HAS changed. Silently, something doesn't seem right anymore. She's still talking to that guy. Well. I told frank that I already dun care le. But he better not hurt her. (or i'll kill him.)
Wakakaka.
Okay...I'll blog tomorrow again. But this short post is all for today.
Name: Sakura Rikami
Birthday: 15th June
Location: In the deepest depths of hell
Age: Sure...I'll tell you if you come to hell with me. xD
{Faves/Desires/Wishes}
-I just want someone to release me from my hell.
-Cosplay costumes?
-An Ipod. (I wanna listen to songs!)
-Comics. LOTS of comics.
-Lazy to write the rest...^^"