Made a new friend today. =D

She's from taiwan...wanwan's friend lol. She's so ultra cool.

When she left, we hugged and then she went back. I think I'll sorta miss her.

But there's this really really nice feeling in me. Like...this warm feeling that flows through your heart. I'm really happy.

Oh yeah. I forgot to mention. Recently, both ning and ian have been coming over to help me with my staff. It's ALMOST done. I'll do some painting and sculpting tonight and it should be done by tomorrow. I'll take a photo then and send it to ning.

I finally found min's blog address. I went crazy and asked her for it. Then I tagged.

I can see that wanwan is very very good with guys. She has like...an official husband...two male 'concubines' and an affair with another guy LOL. (of course, this is exaggerated.)

But yeah. I don't think I can ever be that 'lucky'. xD

Actually, if you think about it, having many people who like you would be very bothersome.

So I don't think I need so many people LOL. I just need one who can last me a lifetime.

Too bad for me though. I'm always dressing up so...casually. Guys who see me will run awaaaay.

Hahahahahahahaha.

Maybe I should be a lesbian.

LOL. Joking. I'm far too much in love with pretty boys.

Anyways. I'm going off to bathe now. So today's post shall be short.

P.s: I still dunno whether I should do a guy or girl for next year cosplay...that is...IF I'm going. x.x Haix.

I guess it's been so long. I wonder how you're doing from time to time.

I'm doing fine. At least...I think so.

You know...that day you left.

Well. I've been thinking about it.

Maybe I should have stopped you. Maybe I should have cried and said, "Don't go."

But I guess...it wouldn't have made a difference right?

You didn't love me anymore. It's useless for you to stay anyway.

I've always wondered how much I weighed in your heart. Maybe not a lot.

Maybe I didn't even matter.

But still...

My feelings were true.

I know it's stupid. I often laughed at myself for that.

It's not like the world ended, just because you weren't there.

Yet it hurts. It's like a wound which would never heal.

Do you know? I bet you don't.

I bet I'm the only one who is stupid enough to continue crying.

I bet I was the only one who really started to learn to love.

And now...I'm the one who had lost.

You walked away with just a pained look and perhaps a couple of hidden tears.

But I was the one who was stuck in the past. Forever.

I really regretted this.

So please...stop torturing me. Just go away.

Don't treat me ever so gently. Even in my dreams. Just...disappear.
___________________________________________________________________

Hmm. Wow. This song is so powerful. o.O

I'm currently listening to Angela Aki's song, Sakurairo. (or Sakura-Iro)

I don't know whether they're heartfelt thoughts. But I was trying to put myself in the shoes of someone who had lost her lover. So I hoped that I did well. xD

Today we went down for basketball again.

I remember that for the past few days, someone was having problems understanding why she liked someone else. Then she asked me, I said I dunno. I mean...obviously, I'm not her. So how in the world would I know her feelings?

But today I think I know. I was observing the guy occasionally. Then I realized that he's actually very kind. Maybe being good and kind would make some girls bored, but seriously. He's a nice boy. So I'm not very worried that he'll hurt her. I think it would be the other way instead.

Poor things.

I kinda expected this outcome though. When you have so many trees in the forest and stuff.

I did warn her. I did say that she's subconsciously flirting with the other guys. But she wouldn't believe me. Hmph.

Oh well...it's their problem.

Not that it's really any of my business anyway...Nowadays people don't really bother about me. And in reply, I don't bother about them either.

I think I'm going into one of my "I depise the whole world and the ugly humans who live in it." mode.

Alright. I'm blogging off. Shall add the lyrics for the new song here.
___________________________________________________________________

Sakura-Iro - Angela Aki (Japanese)

Kawazoi ni saiteta
Sakura namiki wo
Tomo ni ikite yuku to
Futari de aruita
Sekai ni nomikomare
Hakidasarete mo
Tada soba ni itakute
Motto motto motto

Jikan no nagare to ai no hazama ni ochite
Anata wo ushinatta

Koishikute me wo tojireba
Ano goro no futari ga iru
Sakura-iro no anata wo wasure nai
Zutto zutto zutto

Anata kara hanarete
Jibun wo shitta
Yume ni chikadukitakute
Motto motto motto

Hitei no kotoba ni oshitsubusarete mo
Hai agari tatakai tsuduketa

Kurushikute me wo tojireba
Ano goro no jibun ga iru
Sakura-iro no watashi wo wasure nai
Zutto zutto zutto

Furusato kokoro no naka de ima demo
Yasashiku hibiku yo
Sonna uta ga kikoeru

Koishikute me wo tojireba
Ano goro no futari ga iru
Sakura-iro no anata no koto wo
Sakura-iro no watashi no koto wo
Sakura-iro no jidai wo wasure nai
Zutto zutto zutto
Zutto zutto zutto

(English)

Along the river a row of
cherryblossom trees are blossoming
The two of us, living together,
walking this path together
And though this world may swallow me up
and spit me
I simply want to be by your side
Forever and ever

But alas, we were caught in the flow of time
and the loop of love, and one day you passed away

Oh my beloved, if I close my eyes
I can see the two of us, way back then
Oh the sight of you, colored by the cherryblossom
is something I will never, ever, forget

After parting with you
I started to understand myself
and my dreams got closer,
and closer within reach

Tough negative words crushed me at times
once the dust would settle, I’d continue the fight

Oh the pain! If I close my eyes
I can see how I was back then
But the image of myself, colored by the cherryblossom
is something I will never, ever, forget

Even now my home is gently
echoing throughout my heart
I can hear that song right now...

Oh my beloved, if I close my eyes
I can see the two of us, way back then
the sight of you, colored by the cherryblossom
the image of myself, colored by the cherryblossom
oh that time, of the cherryblossom color
I will never, ever, never
ever, forget

I think I spoiled my specs today. The ball went 'WHOOSH (DIE!) WHOOSH' and slammed into my face.

Credits to the Dream of Doll website of course.

He's called Black Ducan. God, he's sexy. I have other pictures. But think the whole blogger server will overload like mad.

So I shall add another one of Black Ducan and probably introduce the rest next time.

Kyaaaaaaaa~! x.x

Looking at him makes me wanna fangirl.

Let's add another photo. So I'll finally be satisfied.

Oh no. My mum is gonna kill me.

Shall continue this post tmr. See ya!

She ran through water. She ran through the rain.

"Damn. Not again."

The screaming never ends.

The lightning flashed overhead. The thunder boomed.

"I hate you. I hate you." She muttered as she covered her ears with her hand to block out the sound.

Bastard.

Her eyes fluttered open and she awoke with a start. Clutching at her chest with her right hand, she gasped for air.

"Not that dream again."

She hugged her legs and curled up.

Not you again.

She knows she hates him. She knows that she'll never forgive them.

She knows very very well...that she will never EVER get over it.

It's her secret. Deep inside of her, the seeds of anger, resentment and vengeance had already been sowed since the day he betrayed her.

"I told you...I told you not to do it...but you..." She shut her eyes tight.

"You get what you deserve."

"You die a slow...lonely...and painful death."

"This is all your fault."

"Your fault. Your fault. Your fault!"

If only she could sleep. If only she could stop hating herself.




This is not the end.
_______________________________________________________________

I tried to unleash something inside of me. Like...letting go and stuff. Since I was listening to an emo song by Linkin Park, I unleashed some weirdo part of me. Then I just kept writing and writing till my fingers stopped. o.O"

Weeeeird.

Well. I actually wanted to blog about ning and Ian's day at my house...or the stuff I did today...but...I just don't feel like writing...

But yeah...maybe it's cuz i've been having nightmares lately. I don't know why, but i'll wake up feeling frightened or crying. Like...there really was tears. It's really freaky.

And then...nightmares + ning and ian = something from a long time ago.

It was really disturbing. I'm afraid that the nightmare would come true.

But I can't say it here. What if I accidentally curse someone to death? x.x

Horrible. Terrible. Vegetable.

I'm going to bed now. I do hope it isn't any freaky dream again.
__________________________________________________________________

Artist: Linkin Park
Song: What I've Done

In this farewell
There’s no blood
There’s no alibi
‘Cause I’ve drawn regret
From the truth
Of a thousand lies

[Pre-Chorus:]
So let mercy come
And wash away
What I’ve done

[Chorus:]
I'll face myself
To cross out what i’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what i’ve done

Put to rest
What you thought of me
While I clean this slate
With the hands of uncertainty

[Pre-Chorus]

[Chorus]

For what I’ve done
I start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I’m forgiving what I’ve done!!!

[Chorus]

What I’ve done
Forgiving what I’ve done

Been feeling a little down lately. I don't know why either. But all I know is that it's very tiring.

The whole "low self esteem" thing is bothering me as well. Maybe I'm like Helena from Midsummer's night dream. =X

Speaking of dreams...I had one dream and two nightmares last night.

I couldn't remember the second nightmare...but the first nightmare was about my mum scolding me and beating me up really badly with the cane. I was even letting her beat me. While being beaten up, I was screaming some random stuff about "psycological pain and physical pain".

Geez. I think I'm going crazy.

Wanwan has gotten herself a "semi-boyfriend". I call him "semi-boyfriend" cuz he's those kind of guys, who obviously likes the girl but doesn't dare to say 'I Like You' in her face. It's like...having a relationship but not admitting to it. Last time, I used to give excuses for the guy, like saying "Maybe he's shy..." or "It's hard for people to say such stuff directly..." But now I've realized that she is somehow right. Shy guys are cute, but guys who can't express their feelings clearly from time to time, are somehow...a disappointment.

Not to add that he's kinda rude as well. Or maybe he's just practising the "I shall be extra nice to my 'girlfriend' and a jerk to other girls" rule. You'll be surprised.

He doesn't even dare to press the doorbell to borrow the basketball from us. Goodness gracious. How hard can that be?

"I am just a friend who is coming to borrow a basketball." That isn't hard to say out loud.

I know I sound like a complete meanie right now. It's probably cuz I'm in a bad mood. Or maybe it's cuz he stepped on my tail by imitating my exclaimation or by saying that "she's the choir blah blah blah blah."

Since I'm mean now, I shall go all the way.

Firstly, when someone steps on your leg and nearly spoils your slippers, you don't go, "Oh." You go, "Ah!" or "Eeek!" or "Wha!" Understand? Is that very abnormal? I don't think so. So take your high pitched imitating voice and shove it down the drain.

Secondly, what has me being in the choir got ANYTHING to do with playing bball? The answer: NOTHING. So get this in your head.

Hmm. I seemed to have forgotten to mention that he doesn't call me by my name. He calls me by my SCHOOL name. It's bad enough that I'm having problems with my mum occasionally cuz of my school, and he just HAD to bring up. Please give me the basic respect I deserve as a human and use my name. We aren't NAMED for nothing, you know.

Psh. I feel slightly better. Very nasty, kinda b*****, but slightly better. x.x

Anyways. I wish them good luck in their relationship. (No, I'm serious here. There's no dramatic irony even though I was just scolding him a few seconds ago. I'm mean...but not THAT mean.) It's nice to see my little couzzie so happy. (even if it's for some guy she just met a few days ago.)

Now that the anger had disippated, I feel kinda numb.

Oh yeah. One last thing. This fat boy was bullying me when I went downstairs just now. I actually wanted to rant on about him.

But still...I've started to think that they're actually nice people. Just that they like to verbally abuse other people.

What's wrong with me? Why I can't I make up my mind?

Okay. I feel bad now. My couzzie's 'semi-boyfriend' is sorta a nice person. Even if he was kinda rude sometimes. But I think that some guys are probably like that. We can't exactly expect everyone to be like Frank right? x.x I think I have to thank god for him. He's so patient, that he can endure all the weird things I throw at him. Plus, I can't deny that I calmed down a little after he smsed me. Before that, I felt like smashing someone.

Eeeee. Shang is so violent. x.x

Bad memories are floating back. I'm pretty much chucked full with them. My mum whacking me with the cane.....children at pri school bullying me and calling me names.....and that incident.

I feel rather scarred. I feel like crying.

I know that people are there for me...but I just....I keep pushing them away. It's like I'm telling myself that I don't need them or something.

Like there's this voice which keeps saying, "You don't need them...because they don't need you."

And then I get all whiny and...oh god.

......

......

I mean...why do people have to...keep hurting me? So much so that now I'm like...subconsciously afraid to come in contact with them. I have an extremely low EQ now.

If there's one thing relationships have taught me, it's that you can be easily replaced by someone else anytime. They can tell you, "Oh, you're so special...you're unique..." And then go off with another person the next day.

You don't need them...because they don't need you.

It's not true right? Please tell me it isn't true.

I'm really tired of....like...acting all tough and vulgar or stuff. I don't like rebutting people whenever they say nasty things to me. But I can't cry either right? It's not like....min is coming to save me...or dan is coming to shoo them off...or ning is going to make them go away....

We're all so far apart now. But I'm still the weakest.

I know I've always been. It's just that it has never been so evident...up till now.

_________________________________________________________________

It was raining that day. A little kitten sat inside a tiny worn-out cardboard box, mewing at the passerbys. It tried to shelter itself from the rain, but what can something so small, such as it, do? Miserable and soaked from head to tail, it shook its head to clear the water from its fur and looked down at the wet brown cardboard.

"Huh?" A voice came from above.

The kitten looked up and mewed gently. Please...Please take me home...I'm hungry...and tired...

A boy bent down and picked up the kitten. He stroke its greyish-white fur fondly and sheltered it from the rain in his jacket. "You look like you've been through a lot." He stood up slowly, careful not to drop the kitten. The grey kitten looked at the boy and for a moment, their eyes met. The kitten wondered if he was going to be like the others. Would he pick it up for a moment, before putting it back into the horrendous cardboard box once again? Or would the kitten finally find a home with him?

Then he smiled.

"It's okay, don't be afraid. Look at you, you're shivering."

He stroked the small and bony body of the kitten, and it shuddered under his touch.

It's warm. The kitten licked his finger curiously. It's different.

The boy covered his head with a hand while holding the kitten safe in his jacket with the other. "Hold on tight. Let's try to get home okay?" He sprinted off in a direction which the kitten did not know. The kitten mewed obediently.

As he ran, the kitten who was sitting in his jacket, purred happily and leaned against his orange coloured t-shirt. For once, it did not notice the rain or the coldness of the stares of all the people who once walked past it.

Finally. A home.

After a couple of blocks, the boy finally reached the steps of his house. Excited, he peered into his jacket to check on the kitten. The kitten lay in his jacket, as if sleeping.

He chuckled. The little thing must be tired, he thought to himself. He stroked it gently and whispered, "Hey little one, we're home. So wake up. I've got a lot to show you."

The kitten did not stir.

Noticing that something was wrong, he shook the kitten slightly. "Hey...what's wrong...?"

The small little kitten continued to lay peacefully in his jacket, as if having a good dream. A small smile was displayed on its face. A sight of content.

It was then, he knew. He was too late.

The boy knelt down and started to cry. "Why..." He shook his head. It was not fair. Why would such an innocent thing die such an early death? What have the people done to it?

Yet still, the kitten continued to sleep contentedly.

Maybe...if he had heard the last words of the kitten...if he had understood what it wanted to say...

Thank you so much...master. I'll be fine now.

If only...he was a slightly earlier. If he had found it earlier, maybe they could have had a happy life together?

Just....

Maybe.
__________________________________________________________________

Artist: Tsukiko Amano
Video Game: Fatal Frame III
Song title: “Koe” (voice)

English Lyrics

If you were living
In the depths of the ocean,
I would become a fish
Just to be with you.

I would descend the deepest of pits,
Wander the darkness forever as a shadow
Just to be with you.

Our memories still drift vividly
I had been drowning in my own sorrow

You’re gone.
I know
I know

The sun rises, rises, purifies my world.
A tepid wind carries off the tattoo carved into my mind.

If it would bring these
Words to you
Then I would gladly
Sacrifice my voice

A vivid scar and this despair
Your warmth that overwhelms all my sadness

I yearned for it
Yearned for it
Even if it is just an illusion

The fading, fading warmth takes me away
I want to fall asleep in your forgiving embrace

The sun rises, rises, purifies my world
I want to fall asleep in your forgiving embrace
The fading, fading warmth takes me away
A tepid wind carries off the tattoo carved into my mind.

Memories are wearing thin with time.
I’m like an earring without its needle.

I forget, It all fades,
Your voice vanishes amidst the noise of a crowd.

It falls apart, I lose my grip.
I’m like an earring without its needle.

I forget, without a trace,
Your voice becomes static.

Name: Sakura Rikami
Birthday: 15th June
Location: In the deepest depths of hell
Age: Sure...I'll tell you if you come to hell with me. xD

-I just want someone to release me from my hell.
-Cosplay costumes?
-An Ipod. (I wanna listen to songs!)
-Comics. LOTS of comics.
-Lazy to write the rest...^^"

Ning -My beloved guardian +
Geelyn -Illusioned existance +
Min -Forever Friends +
Li sen -Kind at heart +
Frank -The guy who posts once a month. +
Feifei -A dearest cousin +
Daniel -^^ +
Jiale(a.k.a Jade) -A precious friend +
Hannah -She called me the 'dark side'. xD +
Eleanor(a.k.a Elie) -A precious friend +

March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
October 2007
November 2007
January 2008
March 2008
May 2009

Codes: Dynamic Drive
Image: deviantART
Layout: kaifengxDD