Just look at the tagboard and the post. AND WHAT'S UP WITH THIS BLACK BLOGSKIN!?!
I must be out of my mind.
Same day at school. Lonely, Pathetic, filled with angst.
So nothing much to say about it. Just that birds of the same feather flock together.
Apparently, I'm the ugly duckling in that flock of birds. I don't belong and I have to find the one true place I really belong. This sounds all fluffy and nice, except that there's no such place.
It must have been painful...for people to be alone.
I've been observing people and noticing their reactions. I've decided that there's nobody in my school that strikes me as a potential friend whom I need. Everybody has their flaws and virtues, but the sad thing is most have more flaws than virtues.
Maybe I'm just a bitter old lady lol. Maybe I'm just sick of all these things. People tell you to do this, but they do that. People tell you not to lie or 'backstab' people, but they do so. People don't want you to treat them like trash, but they treat you worse than trash.
I'm like...totally in a 'Freya' mode now.
I wished I could turn back time. But if I did, I would have been blinded for all my life as to how crappy my personality has been altered.
I'm sad, I'm tired, and my head hurts. Don't preach to me now.
Don't tell me you understand. Nobody does. We're all living in different environments. Nobody would understand how pathetic my life is now. I just want to be alone for the rest of today. (which is...for the next 18 mins.)
My sentences don't even make sense! God. I need sleep.
...I actually wrote a long post. But I deleted it all.
I felt that...things being the way they are now...It's kinda enough.
I'm still trying hard to improve my basketball skills.
Btw. I might wanna shift this blog le. Cuz I detest people having to quarrel in a blog on the tagboard.
Enough said.
So guys, I might be telling you my new blog. I won't put it in this blog LOL.
From today onwards, I'm going to be unreadable. I won't express my thoughts that openly in school anymore. Even if I did, I would be writing it in my new blog. (which only my closer friends would have access to.)
Like they always say....Don't read something you don't want to know.
If you already knew that my blog would contain stuff which is too direct and honest for you, then there's no need to read it.
Have a nice day all~! I'm gonna write fanfic after my brother finishes using the com.
For the first time, I feel so calm. Many things happened. H and HT had a heated 'debate' and managed to resolve it in the end. Someone spoke badly about me behind my back. (it was easy to see.)
*smiles* I thought about it. Maybe if I was as childlish and emo as last time, I would be bothered about it. Yet this time I didn't really care. It did struck me though. All these...foolish and sad quarrels always boil down to only one thing: Miscommunication.
She was angry cuz she thought I was irresponsible. I was angry before cuz I thought they were irresponsible. But in the end, who was at fault? I don't really know. I used to think that they were the ones who were ostracizing me and all, but now I'm not too sure. Maybe it's just because we're always too busy with ourselves to ever bother about other people. We don't bother to find out the truth and we don't bother to understand what's going on.
It's always, "They are the ones who are irresponsible by not informing me." or "Where the hell is she? I thought we told her to turn up?"
But what if they tried to inform me but I didn't understood them clearly? What if they tried to make me join but I was too busy hurting to hear them? I thought that they didn't tell me a lot of things and that's why I was ignorant about the reporting time and practices. I thought that they were too stuck up to use the basketball I brought on Monday, but I heard that it was because they thought I didn't bring one.
Isn't all these because of miscommunication? If they had asked me about the basketball, we could have gone and practiced. If I had asked them about the basketball matches...we could have been less tense with each other. If only I put in more effort to understand them...
I feel useless...but I keep trying.
If I cannot shoot basketballs, then I'll shoot till I get it right. If I can't run while dribbling the ball, I'll run till I get it right. That's why I took her criticism as something I could learn from. I didn't get mad or humliated. I just wanted to learn.
But still...
There was a empty feeling when I was watching them play. I wanted to be as good as them, but how? Am I even going to be that good someday? Are people going to finally notice me one day?
An insignificant person hoping for a better future.
I'll can only try my best and pray that someday...
someone would turn around and watch me.
Watching a father play with his two kids made me feel happy but sad at the same time. It reminded me of the fact that I didn't have a father who is home often to do these with me. I thought, "So this is how it feels to have a father teach you how to play basketball..."
I feel lonely all of the sudden. I keep smiling, but somehow something hurts inside. It's like I'm hollow inside.
What has become of us...? My family...my friends...me... What has made us like this?
I don't know.
I don't know anything anymore.
You weird girl. If I took a glass jar and collected all your tears, you'll realise that you would fill it up within a few days.
*wipes tears*
Oh shut up. >=X I am trying now, aren't I?
Dear Kami-sama. Please hear my prayer. To protect me as I go along. To teach me as I walk along. To let me learn...to let me understand... To dry my tears with my determined spirit.
I'm going to work hard! =X I think the anime fueled my love for basketball even more.
Speaking of basketball, I got some practice with the girls today. Somehow, I tried to be more pro-active and it worked. So I managed to play with them. ^^ We went against some boys and although I could tell that they underestimated us. Hahahahaha.
One guy even said that we were kinda good. Maybe he was referring to XY and HT...but it doesn't matter. Cuz I wanna work hard in basketball now! I wanna be good enough to play with guys.
I think I'm going to faint. (AIKAWA KAZUHIKO!!!!)
There was rain in the end though...and the finals were postponed to tomorrow. So nervous...(although I'm not playing.) We MUST win them. Someone said we surely can win. I told him that he was being optimistic lol. After all, we're up against 3A and that's one class to be reckoned with. They have ALL kinds of sports people and their girls squished our class in Netball. Their guys are extremely excellent in basketball too.
Scary... x.x"
Anyway...I'm still disappointed when I discovered that I wasn't playing...I honestly wanted to play and do my best...but I guess that they have cliques and it's hard when you're not that close to the popular kids.
But still...! >=3
Shall try a lot harder. Shall practice and get better.
Someone told me that she could see the love I had for basketball. I replied, "Really?" I was kinda surprised. It was a subconscious thing. When I'm playing basketball, everything else doesn't matter. What matters is that I enjoy myself and we win our opponents. There's no such thing as not passing the ball to somebody just because you're not on good terms with her. To me...I'm really happy when I play basketball.
I feel so relaxed and happy. Truely.
We can do this. When this is over, I'm going to train hard. There's something that's going to happen in my school. ^^ It's a secret now though, but I hope I can get in.
It's like a dream. A wonderful dream.
Anyways...My fanfic is coming along fine! I've been receiving pretty good reviews.
Chatting with someone from my class now. OMG. He plays Audition! And now, he's teaching me LOTS of cool freestyle moves! *writes them down* This rocks. Lemme see....Moonwalk...breakdance....and some other random moves! Can't wait to try them out! ><
Kami-sama has been very nice to me lately. I think the rain today was purposely sent by him to postpone the match. After all, i had choir today and it would be a shame if I had to miss the match.
Arigato, Kami-sama! ^^
Oh yeah. After what Kami-sama had done for me and all...I've decided that he might be teaching me to be selfless. So I must follow his good example and be a good girl. I've decided to bury my grudge and stop hating people. Kami-sama teaches me lots. ^^
Freya is right, they've hurt me. But still, I believe that there's a good side in everybody and I should stop focusing on the bad side of those people.
After all, Kami-sama, frank, min and ning have forgiven me. I've been a bad girl but they didn't hold a grudge against me. So I should learn from them.
Shall now happily hop away to do my fanfic. The readers are waiting! I won't disappoint them.
Freya: Stupid girl. I can't believe you let them do this to you... Sakura: Shang... Freya: Why should you even care about what the hell they think? They don't even give you the basic human respect! When something bad happens, all they do is give excuses and crap for it. Then somehow it becomes your fault. So why the hell are you still with them?
*sakura looks down sadly*
Shang: I know you're worried. I'll be fine, don't worry. Freya: You know...you can always call upon me and I'll settle them for you. Shang: Ah...I think you did a lot for me already. I'll be able to handle this...I don't want to hurt anybody. Freya: *gives a sarcastic laugh* Like they care about that. You were there...you saw it! The way they purposely refused to let you join in. They have already gone past the point of being fair to all and let their personal feelings interfere with their work. Shang: Haha. I could do so too...you know. Freya: Yes, but you're as stupid as Sakura. All the shyt about being nice and all is going to get the both of you killed one of these days. Sakura: Freya! Freya: I'm only stating the truth. If I hadn't defended Shang up till now, those people would have already ripped her apart. Shang: I didn't choose to let you completely take over because I believe that we must not take things to a harsh level. Freya: ....Another irritating trait of Sakura's. You've got to be less trusting when you're dealing with these people. Shang: They're my friends- Freya: Friends...? After what they've done to you, you still dare to call them 'friends'? Shang: I... Freya: If one day some madman comes along and wants to kill them, I swear I'll just stand and watch. Sakura: It's against our code. We're suppose to help people, not stand there when somebody wants to kill our friends. Freya: SHUT UP. They're not MY friends. They're not YOUR friends. Plus, they're better off dead. At least they won't be a menace to anybody anymore. Sakura: Freya, please stop... Freya: Do you know why I'm so freakin angry with the both of you? You guys always never want to defend yourself. All you ever think about is other people. Doesn't it hurt when they hurt you? You want to be the nice person? Fine. But look at where it got you! Shang: That's why you're here...aren't you? Freya: Wh- I... Shang: You could have chosen to leave us. You could have left us to die. But I think you understood the fact that Sky can't be there for Sakura or me forever. So you decided to stay. Freya: Maybe. Maybe not.
Shang: All I'm saying is...I believe in others and I believe in you. Freya: ......Then why did you allow me to appear occasionally? Do you want to hurt them? Shang: Maybe... I held back though, didn't I? Freya: This sucks. You've been extremely influenced by Sakura. Sakura: That's a good thing right? ^^ Freya: No. It only means that she'll be bullied by them again.
Shang: Relax, Freya. I've already decided to do something about the current situation. I won't let them bully me ever again. Freya: And...? what is it that you're going to? Shang: I've already taken action today. It's time to voice out some opinions. Freya: I say we take the more direct approach. Shang: Like what? Bash them up while screaming "Die, you b******!"? Freya: I have the urge to do so. Shang: No...if there's one thing I learned while dealing with these people, is that we must make things much more than just let them gain some physical injuries. Sakura: A fate worse than death... Shang: Right. I don't think even their deaths would be worth it. All the pain and suffering they brought upon others. Freya: Those plastic people. If you need my help, you'll know where to find me, Shang. Shang: I know that you love doing evil stuff, Freya. But you're not evil yourself... Freya: Yes I am. I'm the darker side between Sakura and I, right? It's my job to show people how hell looks like. Shang: Like what you did to min...? Freya: That was a pure accident that nobody wanted to happen. You just simply cracked and my fullest potential was unleased. You saw the damage. You could do that to her too. That girl, who is always antagonizing you at school. Shang: I'm afraid of the power...Freya. I'm afraid of myself. I am not Sakura after all. Sakura: But you've done well to learn. Freya: Right. So stop being so stupid and thinking about all these "I'm afraid of my power" thing. When you would unleash your true potential, they must have done something to deserve it. Sakura: Hmm...to put it simply, Shang, remember that thing you read about the main girl character having to compete with the other jealous princesses for the prince's love? Shang: uh....yeah. But she was already loved by the prince then. Sakura: That's not the point. ^^" The point is that those ignorant princesses brought trouble onto themselves when they messed with her. Shang: Oh yeah...I remember. Then someone was seen saying, "She's like a sleeping lioness, those princesses are the flies around her tail. They didn't know what they're messing with. To do something as stupid as waking her...they're so foolish." Sakura: Yes. That is exactly the case now. The more they push you, they more you'd awaken. Because you looked like a pushover and all, so they kept making use of you. However, they don't know what they're messing with. Freya: She's right. Bite them when you need to. Shang: I....see.
Freya: Anyway. I'll be watching you. If they tried anything that is really mean, don't hesitate to call upon me. I'll burn them for you. *Freya turns around and disappears into the darkness*
Sakura: I'll be...on the First Monument...Praying for some of the people. Cheer up, Shang. Shang: Thanks, Sakura. Tell Freya I said thanks as well... *Sakura disappears as well in a flash of light*
Shang: *mutters* Well...what if I said that I'm the most evil one among the three of us? Would they believe me? I've...nothing to lose. She took it all away...and now, I think I'm going to make her pay.
"A fate that is worse than death itself: Loneliness."
Why? Cuz I didn't go for the basketball interclass.
I'm sad and I'm disappointed. I really wanted to join and win.
It's a long story though... and I don't want to badmouth anybody. So let's drop it.
I've realized that I've been harsh to somebody today. Well, I was feeling quite easily pissed today and it totally throws off my balance of life. So I totally returned all the crap to that person.
Maybe I'm sorry? Maybe I'm not?
Muahahaha.
You should know that I enjoyed that little moment of indirect harshness.
Hell, I'm so mean. XD
Well, after what I've been put through, you should understand why. Life is a total piece of crap that is wrapped in a sugar coating and chocolate. It'll still taste like crap no matter how nice it looks.
Sooo...just let me be the bad guy for today. I'm sick of taking all the stupid things they throw at me.
If you think I'm acting really terrible and all, I'll just laugh at you. Hahahahahaha.
People push me to the edge and I survive with just the little space at the edge before I turn around and bite them.
I want to live. I want to be treated fairly. I want to let them know that I'm no pushover.
I may be nice usually, but I can be really mean if I wanted to.
I am a human. So you can start treating me with the basic respect that I deserve as a person.
I may be quiet usually, but I have my pride.
Oh...plus by careful observation of some of the people in my school, I've realized that they're either careless or irresponsible. I mean...they may not mean it usually, but they really got to be more careful.
But others... oh ho ho ho.
They can be so freakin irresponsible that you wonder how you got to know these people in the first place. I suppose that responsibility is always suppressed by the urge for self-satisfaction and the need to be selfish, but people shouldn't do it so often. It irks the hell out of people.
Yup. Yup.
Anyways. I always wanted to be nice to someone. But ever since what she did to me today, I somehow don't see the need to be that nice to her anymore. I mean, don't worry...I'll give her the basic respect. But I won't ever treat her nicer than that. In fact, if I feel like it, I might even 'tease' her a little.
Never ever do onto others what you don't want them to do onto you.
It's too late for apologises and yes... I hate you.
Hate is such a strong word, isn't it? =)
It's tiring to hate someone, but I guess she's worth the fun.
I've now officially lost it, with a lot of thanks to my current wonderful social life in school and my wonderful, amazing problems in life. It's time to take some action.
I won't let them get me down. I see no need in allowing them such a satisfaction. =)
I won't forgive. I won't forget.
It's a lesson I've learned in life. =)
I'm going to work much harder now. I'll smile more than them. I'll be much happier.
I know I'll be.
I have a lot of dreams you know. I want much more than they can ever imagine.
I believe that I'm not that naive anymore. So it's time to take matters into my own hands and settle them.
I can do this. Even if I'm left with only some of my primary school friends, I know that I won't ever cry in front of them anymore.
Just when you thought that nobody would hurt you the way some person did when they misunderstood you, someone else does the same funny thing.
I don't blame him though. I wanted to shun him...because I'm too vile. I'm cruel, evil and sadistic. I'm too selfish and I care too much about myself. I like to write stupid rantings into this pathetic page which I call my 'blog'.
I wasn't angry with him. I was just angry with myself. That night, I was just helpless and frustrated. In the end, when he tried to cheer me up, I shoved him to the ground on one side.
I'm not crying. I don't even have the right to cry.
I needed to stop talking to him. I needed to let him move on with his life.
Because he is my close friend.
I don't regret this. I can suffer eternal damnation for all I care.
But I have to leave him. If not, I'll be the cause of his downfall. ___________________________________________________________________
Today's school was a whole lot of bad luck mixed with a tinge of happiness.
I'm officially declared as 'not a human'. I am not qualified to practice with them. I brought the stupid ball for nothing. I kept my hopes up for nothing.
On the happier side, I found a friend in YY. She's a nice girl. It's been long since I've ever come across someone so sweet, cool and nice at the same time.
KN said she read my blog. ^^" I was kinda surprised. Looks like a lot of people know about my blog now. Probably it was publicized when I fell out with a certain someone.
Funny...so funny.
I asked E today why must we (a.k.a the students of our level) participate in backstabbing, gossiping and other stupid stuff which harm people. She replied along the lines of something like 'office politics', 'suffer now than next time' and a lot of the supposingly mature words.
I dunno. My views differ from hers. Why bother to grow up so quickly when you can't be young ever again?
If the world was sweet, fluffy and filled with happy endings, would the people be more happy? Sure, they would be as ignorant as little children...but I don't think that they would be sad.
Am I still a little girl? There's so much for me to understand. But I'm learning too fast that I'm hurting myself along the way.
But people don't understand as well. They think they know, but they are actually as naive as me...or even more so.
Do you know why I despise and dislike people saying that I'm rich?
You say I'm rich...well. I tell you I'm not. Plus, did you ever thought about how I had to suffer from the absence of a father unlike other kids? My father has been away from us for 13 years already.
Do you think we're happy?
We're not. We're downright miserable.
In fact, when I first started to learn about stuff and recognize people, I couldn't even recognize my own father. I simply stared at the stranger who was standing in my parent's bedroom and hid behind my mum when he tried to carry me.
I'm sure I've hurt him.
So don't come and tell me all that crap about being rich. I hate being labelled as such.
Sasuke once said to not compare the pain you feel after your parents scold you, to the pain you feel when you don't have any parents to scold you. It's much deeper and much more painful.
He's right.
Don't assume that everything would go the way you want. Don't assume that you don't need to make sacrifices in order to achieve something you want.
Don't mock me when you don't understand my sorrow and loneliness.
So don't tell me, "Wah. You're very rich leh." or "Qian jing xiao jie"
Cuz you'll deserve a punch from me.
Okay...putting that topic aside. (I have to stop this weird outbreaks.)
I'm not really afraid of being alone in the school, now that I think about it. Maybe it's cuz I've gotten used to being alone. People do mean things to me, but act like it's perfectly normal to do so.
I don't understand why they're doing this. But I don't care anymore.
It was my quarrel with that certain somebody. Not with them. I can't influence them to believe that I'm right, but I hope that nobody has been trying to be extra and badmouthing me from the back. (though, by their reactions, I sincerely think so.)
I'll just have to do my best.
I'm currently still trying to get through this.
Thanks ning and Ian...I know you guys meant well when you wanted to come over yesterday. =) I'm not angry at you. In fact, I'm grateful.
The play we watched on Friday was nice. A midnight summer's dream by Shakesphere. The last part got me laughing really hard.
Wow. I sound plastic today. O.O
Anyways...Some people really dressed up like mad that day. Scary...they were all aiming to impress! ^^ I suppose I was kinda impressed by some...but others...well...
Let's just say that it's easier to impress people when you suddenly transformed from 'normal' to 'beautiful' in one night than when you are constantly trying to impress people.
Yup. Yup.
I feel much more happier these two days. Maybe because I need not care about all the school stuff. You know...all the weird weird bad luck thing.
Oh yeah! Hannah and Eleanor taught me lots of things about life (somehow) during the time I've spent with them. For example, Eleanor taught me that "we must always stay positive because the world is negative. So our positivity would cancel out the negativity of the world". (or something like that. ^^")
Wow. I figure she's kinda right.
Then during Friday, on our way to the play, Hannah was standing beside me in the MRT and she put her face to the glass on the window of the door for a second before turning to me and saying, "Have you realized something?"
I blinked. "Realized what?"
"Hm...like how we can only truly see ourselves when we're in darkness." She pointed to our reflection in the glass and smiled. "See? When you're in darkness, you can see 'yourself' clearly, but when light comes..."
Then the MRT passed by some advertisement boards that were lit up in the tunnel and our reflection disappeared.
"You won't be able to see yourself clearly."
I was, of course, stunned. How did she know this much? "Wow. That's some deep thinking there." I commented, while in partial disbelief.
"Nah. I take the MRT to tuition often, so I spend my time thinking about things." She laughed and gestured to the window pane.
Well, I don't think the conversation was so...'elegant' in a way like this. (I can't remember every single word perfectly...you know.) But this was the gist of it. I guessed I learned something that day.
In life, we tend to lose ourselves a lot. Most of the time it happens when we think that we're living in a peaceful or 'correct' way of life. But when the darkness closes in, we tend to see the darkest side of our personality. The most amazing thing about hatred is that it can transform you quite easily into some kind of demon or monster with its presence. You become blinded and you lose yourself.
You'll hurt people.
I just saw my darkest side that day. I figured that if I really used it to my full advantage, I would really be able to hurt someone real bad. But I was scared as well. If that person cried or got hurt really badly, would I be happy? Plus, what would become of me?
A soul lost in eternal darkness. Never knowing the light or the truth about redemption.
I bet some people don't know about this: There's a mirror in the darkness. When you're all alone and you stare into it, you'll see the true you. (oh wait. I mentioned this earlier. ^^" Oh well.) If you're blinded by rage and anger, all you'll see if someone whose face is so distorted that he or she is impossible to be recognized.
It's ugly. (and not to mention scary.)
I saw my reflection in that way once. I never ever want to see it ever again.
Anyways...I don't know what to write suddenly. O.O
Blogger's block? Haha.
While listening to the song, Aozora no Namida, I was searching for the lyrics. But since I can't find it, I decided to write some lyrics of my own according to the song.
Here goes: (><)
Sitting all alone in the darkness... I was searching for a light that I couldn't see. Running against the flow of time... I don't see anybody waiting at the end for me.
No matter how hard I scream... The wind does not convey my thoughts to anybody. I need to get a grip on myself and move on.
I wonder what lies ahead? The path that has been set for me. I thought I saw someone beside me... But they just vanished. Like shadows, they appear to tell me that I have to believe in myself.
I can feel the tears of those people Calling out to me.
I always thought that I'm alone in this world I only trusted myself... And refused to let other people see the real me.
But as I grow and start to understand... Everybody became there for me. I just needed to remember the times we've spent together And not forget them.
I wonder what lies ahead? On the path that has been set for me. I think I know now, but I'm just afraid to take the step forward. However, it is time to change.
Let's turn the sadness into smiles And banish the darkness with the light
And when the path ends... I want to be there with them.
Argh! Serious blogger's block. x.x I can't write properly anymore. So the ending is a little crappy. I'll edit that part when i'm feeling better.
Today was better than yesterday. KN came looking for me lots of times today and even went to recess with me! ^^
This feels too good to be true. It's like a god-sent miracle.
As for PP...she's still a little distanced...but it's okay. I'm sure she has her reasons.
At first I was wanted to edit my previous post cuz I was scared that it would offend PP and KN because they misunderstood it like HT before. But then...it's important that they know about this. Maybe writing this in my blog is my way of explaining stuff to them.
I'm such a coward. =X
Ah...my mechanical pencil is missing. I lent it to one of my classmates but it was passed on to some random guy that I dunno. At first I was angry, cuz I thought why some people are so irresponsible. Plus, nobody really helped me search for that guy who took it except FW. I suppose that I was kinda glad. But i was rushing for time, so I let it go and told FW to pass it to me on monday.
I bet i looked murderous. x.x"
Anyways. Among my previous close group of friends in sec school, I've decided that KN and PP are very nice and important people whom I wouldn't want to lose. So I hope we can still remain friends till a long time later.
Thank you, Kami-sama. I think you've heard my plea.
I am eternally grateful to you for giving me back a friend today.
I nearly broke down and cried like a little girl in front of everybody. But of course, my pride didn't allow that.
I've realized that hating someone only makes you angry and all. But you somehow just end up being sad in the end.
I dunno how to say this...but you want some honest opinions? I wonder if my classmates are reading this...but who cares. I'm just saying something I see. Ever since I've quarrelled with a friend (I'm sure you all know who), my usual close circle of friends never really hung out with me anymore. Not during recess...not after school. Frustrated and saddened by their weird behaviour, I asked PP today whether she was pissed at me or something. She said no. So I asked her why every single time I can't get her to go home with me. She's always going home with HT or being busy with something. She seemed really surprised and seem to be reflecting on her actions for a sec.
"Yeah...maybe a bit." was her answer.
Also, after I quarrelled with HT, I've realized that KN never really talked to me as often as before. The only time she talked to me was when she was alone or couldn't find HT. It pains me and all, but I couldn't say anything about it. She was never that close with HT, but overnight, it almost seemed as though god miraculously made them best friends or something. Every single time she comes into our class, she would be looking for HT.
And that makes me very lonely.
E is also being on a slight short fuse with me. Today, during chinese class, she told me (again) that she would like to sit on the right side next time. Okay...fine then. ^^" I wasn't stopping her anyway. (She was the one who put her pencil case on the left side. Out of habit, I suppose.) Then during the class when the teacher was going through the papers, I was listening to her but not really concentrating on the answers she was giving us. After all, I had a crappy day and was having a headache plus an extremely empty stomach. My health is more or less failing me. She asked me, "Aren't you going to do the corrections?" in a partially frustrated way. Then when I figured I didn't know the answers, she snatched the pen from my hand in a most amazingly hostile way and did it for me roughly.
I sat in silence. (with a headache and a shocked spirit.)
When we were going back to class, she was marking her corrections and I offered to let her see mine. After all, she had helped me corrected the thing and I stayed alert for the rest of the lessons. I tried to pass the paper to her but was rejected.
"Your one all wrong one lar! I don't tell you, you also dunno!"
So I just walked into class silently. I was just trying to be helpful, but I think she was irritated at me. I dunno why though.
"Last period. Must bear with it." I kept telling myself. But I was on the verge of tears. Everyone was really so distanced from me. KN doesn't spend that much time with me anymore. PP would rather go home with HT who lives further away from us than to go home with me, who drops off at the same platform as her.
I mean...I'm also human. I get hurt. I cry easily. I want to be liked by others as a human being, if not, just being given the simple respect that a normal human being deserves.
*cries*
I didn't do anything to them...why are they like this? If they hate me for some reason, just tell me. I promise I'll do my best to avoid them. I'll do my best to not agitate them. But instead, I'm being treated like crap and someone whom people would only approach when their popular friends dumped them.
Does it make them feel nice that I'm crying and suffering because they either take me for granted or treat me like crap...? I didn't say anything bad about them. They weren't the ones whom I had a quarrel with.
Do you really want to know the truth? If they knew...who has never looked upon them like trash before...would they regret ever hurting someone who truly wanted to be their friend?
Many things. I know too much.
I know how some people who are 'good friends' with some people now, were once being despised by the very 'best friend/good friend' they are friends with. So many secrets. So many lies.
She may be smiling at you, but she's actually thinking, "What a country bumpkin."
I'm not exaggerating. That's why...I said if only they knew...would they treat me like this now?
Maybe I'm being backstabbed as well...that's why people aren't close to me anymore. But I'm not going to backstab another person ever again until I absolutely have to, in order to save myself. (for example, in the adult working life where you must play office politics to survive or be fired.)
My mum said, "Sometimes things are like that. When you're the good person in the problem, you'll have to suffer."
So that's why people choose to hurt each other....? Whether physically or emotionally. Just because they don't want to suffer...?
So much for sincerity. So much for "I am looking for 'true' friends.".
I won't find true friends in secondary school if everybody is like this. No matter how hard I try.
Let's just say...a minority few are still standing on my side and treating me nice. But if I really needed someplace to return to when I'm hurt, i don't think I'm ready to go to them yet.
Isn't it funny...? We're all living a huge lie right now. But because I chose to be the 'nice person', I get to be pushed around.
*bends down and curls up into a ball*
I need counselling. Or maybe even no amount of counselling would heal this.
I miss frank. I miss ning. I miss min. I miss joanie.
I hate school. I hate those mean people.
*cries*
I'll never get over this. ___________________________________________________________________
Artist: Ayumi Hamasaki Song title: Heaven
(japanese lyrics)
Saigo ni kimi ga hohoende Massugu ni sashidashita mono wa Tada amarini kirei sugite Koraekirezu namida afureta
Ano hi kitto futari wa Ai ni fureta
Watashitachi wa sagashiatte Tokini jibun o miushinatte Yagate mitsukeatta no nara Donna ketsumatsu ga matte ite mo
Unmei to iu igai Hoka ni wa nai
la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
Kimi ga tabidatta ano sora ni Yasashiku watashi o terasu hoshi ga hikatte
Soba ni ite aisuru hito Toki o koete katachi o kaete Futari mada minu mirai ga koko ni Nee konnanimo nokotteru kara
Soba ni ite aisuru hito Toki o koete katachi o kaete Futari mada minu mirai ga koko ni Nokotteru kara
Shinjite aisuru hito Watashi no naka de kimi wa ikiru Dakara kore kara saki mo zutto Sayonara nante iwanai
Ano hi kitto futari wa Ai ni fureta
(english lyrics)
What you offered straight to me With a smile for the last time Was just so beautiful That I gave way to tears
Surely, that day The two of us touched love
We sought for each other Lost ourselves at times And found each other at last So whatever result may be waiting for us
It's nothing but Destiny
la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
In the sky you set out for Stars are shining tenderly upon me
Stay by my side, my love Crossing over time and changing your shape You see? The future we haven't yet seen Remains here like this
Stay by my side, my love Crossing over time and changing your shape The future we haven't yet seen Remains here
Trust me, my love You live within me So I'll never Say good-bye to you
Name: Sakura Rikami
Birthday: 15th June
Location: In the deepest depths of hell
Age: Sure...I'll tell you if you come to hell with me. xD
{Faves/Desires/Wishes}
-I just want someone to release me from my hell.
-Cosplay costumes?
-An Ipod. (I wanna listen to songs!)
-Comics. LOTS of comics.
-Lazy to write the rest...^^"