{This Moment..Let's keep it forever.}

My best friend became my worst enemy.

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

There's a lot of things that I would like to say in this blog. Yet I feel that I would most likely aggravate the whole situation. (Not that it isn't already extremely bad now...)

She's ignoring me. She's denying there's a problem. She treats me like glass. I treat her at least like human.

*sigh*

I thought about things long and hard. Like...how we came to be friends and stuff. How did I even meet such a girl who was so sociable and unlike me? I suppose it was because I was late on the first day. She was the only person who had an extra seat beside of her. She struck me as a hardworking girl who always took notes and did her assignments. Slowly, we talked. Gradually, we became the best of friends.

However, even the best of friends would run into loads of trouble along the way. During Sec one, there was a girl named Esther who I disliked (Hweetian mentioned this in her blog when she rammed insults at me.) because of her facade towards everybody. Yet the dislike only lasted a few months, in which after that I turned neutral towards her. I figured that if even one person could say that she was a good friend, she couldn't be all that bad right? (Now, we're sec three and she's my friend. Amazing, isn't it? She's also quite wise about a lot of stuff.)

Hweetian went to be her good friend for like...around one month to three months?

So naturally, I was neglected and stuff. Yet I didn't say anything. I thought that since it was Hweetian who was in charge of her social life and stuff, I didn't have the right to stop her. I kept quiet all the way.(which was quite silly really...)

Until one day, they fell out and Hweetian started to talking more and more to me again.

Usually, someone would be mad at this, right? (Because they might feel that they're the 'substitute' friend.) Yet I wasn't. I just acted as if she took some kind of long holiday away from speaking terms with me and just came back.

Silly, silly shang. Always believing in her.

I see the way she treats me now and I weep in silence. We have been friends for two years already. Yet she would actually think I am the kind of person who would backstab her. This is such a minor thing, yet the way it's going, everybody is going to think I snatched her boyfriend and killed her pet or something. (Not that she has either pets or a boyfriend...I'm just trying to make a comparison. I can't possibly say "Set fire to her house" right? It'll make people imagine things again. =.=)

Every single time she says something harsh to me, I'll simply forgive her within half a second by thinking, "She's a realistic person, that's why she says such stuff. Maybe I'm too emotional."

Stupid, stupid shang. Why did you make yourself seem like the loser?

After thinking for three days, I've realized that she has brought me joy indeed. Yet she knows how to hurt me real bad as well. I've been trying so hard to please her...to give in to her demands...to make her laugh genuinely. So much so that I've forgotten what friendship is supposed to be. Sure, sometimes she has to listen to my nonsense. Yet I don't think I've ever really scolded her or anything.

She said she couldn't be there for me 24/7. Well, I never said I needed her to. I understand that it is insane and that is something even I can't do. So I wouldn't expect it from her as well. We are all humans and there are some things which we can't do. Yet I've come to realize that she's not there at all. I mean, yes...we do have nice moments after school at McDonalds or sitting by the bus stop and chatting...but now it all feels like it was someone else who was doing it with me. During recess, she would always refuse to eat in order to become slim. (Yes. She believes that she can lose weight that way.) So I'll always have to find someone else to accompany me. After school, she'll simply rush home and I don't even have the chance to say 'bye'. (Let alone to have a nice conversation with her.) During class, she's mostly talking to Xinyi and Phyllis. I'm always left in the corner.

Still, I believed.

Then we had this arguement now. I started thinking. (and seriously, I feel like Guy Montag from that lit book, Fahrenheit 451.) I felt a strange sense of feeling that something has been wrong since a long time ago. Maybe I'm just tired. Sick of living in her shadow...sick of being told-off by her for many minor things...sick of trying to make her laugh genuinely.

The way she scolded me in her blog. I dunno...it just...

It just snapped something inside of me and I've come to realize what I have been trying to ignore.

How could she ram such insults and words at me? Just because I critisized her work on the history project? We have already known each other for two whole years damnit. I guess she's too used to being obeyed and having someone to nod and agree at her every movement that she felt betrayed when I said that she didn't do a good job, compared to her usual high standards.

Maybe I just wanna lament and tell the whole world my part of the story. Esther already told her that her tone in the blog is harsh, yet she feels like she's the whole victim of this stupid 'betrayal' thing.

Someone once told me that "it takes two hands to clap, just like it takes two people to start an arguement." There's never complete fault on one person only. I have acknowledged this and took my share of the blame. Yet to me, all I can see is her running away from the problem and making everybody her friend so that I'll most probably be ostracized.

Whatever I say in this blog is what I think. Whether on impluse or not. I would not deny afterwards that I've thought of things this way. However, I hate it when people put words into my mouth and tell lies about me to the whole world.

Through this, I've realized that Cheryl is a good friend. She didn't judge me through one-sided affairs. I'm pretty sure she knows; just like all the others who knew. Her attitude towards me didn't change. Xinyi as well.

Someone told me, "Good friends would trust you and know what kind of person you are. If they ostracize you or hate you just because of one person's point of view, then they aren't exactly the friend you would want."

I believe that the person is right.

I won't scream at Hweetian. Neither would I get upset about her disturbing behaviour towards me in school. She was my friend before, whether I like it or not. Though she has hurt me, I don't believe in crushing her life.

I don't think that by making everybody hate her, I would be happy. I don't think that by making her cry, I would jump for joy. I don't think that by ignoring her or slandering her, I would feel satisfied.

Don't you see...? I've been through this before. I don't want to repeat the same mistake ever again.

She was my friend.

Though I might not want to apologize first or get her back...though I might be being implusive, I kinda believe that I'm not trash or something that can be thrown around or anything. I have never avoided her. Neither would I try to do so now. She can rather jump over her table to get outside than walk past my chair...or disappear when it's recess...

I don't think I would care anymore.

Sure, I was upset for the first day. Sad, angry and disappointed.

However, I can blame myself for the rest of my life and it would only affect me. I don't think she'll even give a damn. She'll probably think that she's still the victim and stuff. So I really should just let things flow along instead of killing myself over a small incident.

This applies to her anger as well. She can't avoid me forever. She can't hate me forever. Anger takes too much out of everybody.

It's time to stop smiling a plastic smile like how a lot of people in sec school do. If you wanna laugh, do it genuinely. If you wanna smile and be friends, do it happily. Don't smile for the sake of making everybody your friend or to 'entertain' people. You'll simply end up disappointing them further.

I believe very strongly that I have been true to myself recently and I am proud of it.

I have my principles and so does she.

Yet our priority is different.

I won't ever be friends with someone whom I dislike or can't along with. I won't ever smile just for the sake of 'entertaining' someone. That's what I believe.

For my friends and for my family, I have decided I'll be a stronger person. I must stick to what I think is right and not give in to what people think. They can ostracize me and all...but i don't think it'll hurt me anymore. Everywhere I go...behind every corner...

I know that there's a friend waiting.

Anyways...yeah. Thanks to Ning, Joanie, Frank, my mum, Cheryl, Xin Yi, Hannah, my choir mates and seniors and everybody who is my friend or family because I am who I am.

I've learnt a lot this time...and I feel that I've become much wiser today.

Oh...and Hweetian? "It's okay. I thought you were my friend too."

You've officially hurt me enough to make me not care whether you're in my life anymore.

5:12 PM i need you.