I nearly broke down and cried like a little girl in front of everybody. But of course, my pride didn't allow that.
I've realized that hating someone only makes you angry and all. But you somehow just end up being sad in the end.
I dunno how to say this...but you want some honest opinions? I wonder if my classmates are reading this...but who cares. I'm just saying something I see. Ever since I've quarrelled with a friend (I'm sure you all know who), my usual close circle of friends never really hung out with me anymore. Not during recess...not after school. Frustrated and saddened by their weird behaviour, I asked PP today whether she was pissed at me or something. She said no. So I asked her why every single time I can't get her to go home with me. She's always going home with HT or being busy with something. She seemed really surprised and seem to be reflecting on her actions for a sec.
"Yeah...maybe a bit." was her answer.
Also, after I quarrelled with HT, I've realized that KN never really talked to me as often as before. The only time she talked to me was when she was alone or couldn't find HT. It pains me and all, but I couldn't say anything about it. She was never that close with HT, but overnight, it almost seemed as though god miraculously made them best friends or something. Every single time she comes into our class, she would be looking for HT.
And that makes me very lonely.
E is also being on a slight short fuse with me. Today, during chinese class, she told me (again) that she would like to sit on the right side next time. Okay...fine then. ^^" I wasn't stopping her anyway. (She was the one who put her pencil case on the left side. Out of habit, I suppose.) Then during the class when the teacher was going through the papers, I was listening to her but not really concentrating on the answers she was giving us. After all, I had a crappy day and was having a headache plus an extremely empty stomach. My health is more or less failing me. She asked me, "Aren't you going to do the corrections?" in a partially frustrated way. Then when I figured I didn't know the answers, she snatched the pen from my hand in a most amazingly hostile way and did it for me roughly.
I sat in silence. (with a headache and a shocked spirit.)
When we were going back to class, she was marking her corrections and I offered to let her see mine. After all, she had helped me corrected the thing and I stayed alert for the rest of the lessons. I tried to pass the paper to her but was rejected.
"Your one all wrong one lar! I don't tell you, you also dunno!"
So I just walked into class silently. I was just trying to be helpful, but I think she was irritated at me. I dunno why though.
"Last period. Must bear with it." I kept telling myself. But I was on the verge of tears. Everyone was really so distanced from me. KN doesn't spend that much time with me anymore. PP would rather go home with HT who lives further away from us than to go home with me, who drops off at the same platform as her.
I mean...I'm also human. I get hurt. I cry easily. I want to be liked by others as a human being, if not, just being given the simple respect that a normal human being deserves.
*cries*
I didn't do anything to them...why are they like this? If they hate me for some reason, just tell me. I promise I'll do my best to avoid them. I'll do my best to not agitate them. But instead, I'm being treated like crap and someone whom people would only approach when their popular friends dumped them.
Does it make them feel nice that I'm crying and suffering because they either take me for granted or treat me like crap...? I didn't say anything bad about them. They weren't the ones whom I had a quarrel with.
Do you really want to know the truth? If they knew...who has never looked upon them like trash before...would they regret ever hurting someone who truly wanted to be their friend?
Many things. I know too much.
I know how some people who are 'good friends' with some people now, were once being despised by the very 'best friend/good friend' they are friends with. So many secrets. So many lies.
She may be smiling at you, but she's actually thinking, "What a country bumpkin."
I'm not exaggerating. That's why...I said if only they knew...would they treat me like this now?
Maybe I'm being backstabbed as well...that's why people aren't close to me anymore. But I'm not going to backstab another person ever again until I absolutely have to, in order to save myself. (for example, in the adult working life where you must play office politics to survive or be fired.)
My mum said, "Sometimes things are like that. When you're the good person in the problem, you'll have to suffer."
So that's why people choose to hurt each other....? Whether physically or emotionally. Just because they don't want to suffer...?
So much for sincerity. So much for "I am looking for 'true' friends.".
I won't find true friends in secondary school if everybody is like this. No matter how hard I try.
Let's just say...a minority few are still standing on my side and treating me nice. But if I really needed someplace to return to when I'm hurt, i don't think I'm ready to go to them yet.
Isn't it funny...? We're all living a huge lie right now. But because I chose to be the 'nice person', I get to be pushed around.
*bends down and curls up into a ball*
I need counselling. Or maybe even no amount of counselling would heal this.
I miss frank. I miss ning. I miss min. I miss joanie.
I hate school. I hate those mean people.
*cries*
I'll never get over this. ___________________________________________________________________
Artist: Ayumi Hamasaki Song title: Heaven
(japanese lyrics)
Saigo ni kimi ga hohoende Massugu ni sashidashita mono wa Tada amarini kirei sugite Koraekirezu namida afureta
Ano hi kitto futari wa Ai ni fureta
Watashitachi wa sagashiatte Tokini jibun o miushinatte Yagate mitsukeatta no nara Donna ketsumatsu ga matte ite mo
Unmei to iu igai Hoka ni wa nai
la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
Kimi ga tabidatta ano sora ni Yasashiku watashi o terasu hoshi ga hikatte
Soba ni ite aisuru hito Toki o koete katachi o kaete Futari mada minu mirai ga koko ni Nee konnanimo nokotteru kara
Soba ni ite aisuru hito Toki o koete katachi o kaete Futari mada minu mirai ga koko ni Nokotteru kara
Shinjite aisuru hito Watashi no naka de kimi wa ikiru Dakara kore kara saki mo zutto Sayonara nante iwanai
Ano hi kitto futari wa Ai ni fureta
(english lyrics)
What you offered straight to me With a smile for the last time Was just so beautiful That I gave way to tears
Surely, that day The two of us touched love
We sought for each other Lost ourselves at times And found each other at last So whatever result may be waiting for us
It's nothing but Destiny
la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
In the sky you set out for Stars are shining tenderly upon me
Stay by my side, my love Crossing over time and changing your shape You see? The future we haven't yet seen Remains here like this
Stay by my side, my love Crossing over time and changing your shape The future we haven't yet seen Remains here
Trust me, my love You live within me So I'll never Say good-bye to you
Name: Sakura Rikami
Birthday: 15th June
Location: In the deepest depths of hell
Age: Sure...I'll tell you if you come to hell with me. xD
{Faves/Desires/Wishes}
-I just want someone to release me from my hell.
-Cosplay costumes?
-An Ipod. (I wanna listen to songs!)
-Comics. LOTS of comics.
-Lazy to write the rest...^^"