For the first time, I feel so calm. Many things happened. H and HT had a heated 'debate' and managed to resolve it in the end. Someone spoke badly about me behind my back. (it was easy to see.)
*smiles* I thought about it. Maybe if I was as childlish and emo as last time, I would be bothered about it. Yet this time I didn't really care. It did struck me though. All these...foolish and sad quarrels always boil down to only one thing: Miscommunication.
She was angry cuz she thought I was irresponsible. I was angry before cuz I thought they were irresponsible. But in the end, who was at fault? I don't really know. I used to think that they were the ones who were ostracizing me and all, but now I'm not too sure. Maybe it's just because we're always too busy with ourselves to ever bother about other people. We don't bother to find out the truth and we don't bother to understand what's going on.
It's always, "They are the ones who are irresponsible by not informing me." or "Where the hell is she? I thought we told her to turn up?"
But what if they tried to inform me but I didn't understood them clearly? What if they tried to make me join but I was too busy hurting to hear them? I thought that they didn't tell me a lot of things and that's why I was ignorant about the reporting time and practices. I thought that they were too stuck up to use the basketball I brought on Monday, but I heard that it was because they thought I didn't bring one.
Isn't all these because of miscommunication? If they had asked me about the basketball, we could have gone and practiced. If I had asked them about the basketball matches...we could have been less tense with each other. If only I put in more effort to understand them...
I feel useless...but I keep trying.
If I cannot shoot basketballs, then I'll shoot till I get it right. If I can't run while dribbling the ball, I'll run till I get it right. That's why I took her criticism as something I could learn from. I didn't get mad or humliated. I just wanted to learn.
But still...
There was a empty feeling when I was watching them play. I wanted to be as good as them, but how? Am I even going to be that good someday? Are people going to finally notice me one day?
An insignificant person hoping for a better future.
I'll can only try my best and pray that someday...
someone would turn around and watch me.
Watching a father play with his two kids made me feel happy but sad at the same time. It reminded me of the fact that I didn't have a father who is home often to do these with me. I thought, "So this is how it feels to have a father teach you how to play basketball..."
I feel lonely all of the sudden. I keep smiling, but somehow something hurts inside. It's like I'm hollow inside.
What has become of us...? My family...my friends...me... What has made us like this?
I don't know.
I don't know anything anymore.
You weird girl. If I took a glass jar and collected all your tears, you'll realise that you would fill it up within a few days.
*wipes tears*
Oh shut up. >=X I am trying now, aren't I?
Dear Kami-sama. Please hear my prayer. To protect me as I go along. To teach me as I walk along. To let me learn...to let me understand... To dry my tears with my determined spirit.
Name: Sakura Rikami
Birthday: 15th June
Location: In the deepest depths of hell
Age: Sure...I'll tell you if you come to hell with me. xD
{Faves/Desires/Wishes}
-I just want someone to release me from my hell.
-Cosplay costumes?
-An Ipod. (I wanna listen to songs!)
-Comics. LOTS of comics.
-Lazy to write the rest...^^"