Been feeling a little down lately. I don't know why either. But all I know is that it's very tiring.
The whole "low self esteem" thing is bothering me as well. Maybe I'm like Helena from Midsummer's night dream. =X
Speaking of dreams...I had one dream and two nightmares last night.
I couldn't remember the second nightmare...but the first nightmare was about my mum scolding me and beating me up really badly with the cane. I was even letting her beat me. While being beaten up, I was screaming some random stuff about "psycological pain and physical pain".
Geez. I think I'm going crazy.
Wanwan has gotten herself a "semi-boyfriend". I call him "semi-boyfriend" cuz he's those kind of guys, who obviously likes the girl but doesn't dare to say 'I Like You' in her face. It's like...having a relationship but not admitting to it. Last time, I used to give excuses for the guy, like saying "Maybe he's shy..." or "It's hard for people to say such stuff directly..." But now I've realized that she is somehow right. Shy guys are cute, but guys who can't express their feelings clearly from time to time, are somehow...a disappointment.
Not to add that he's kinda rude as well. Or maybe he's just practising the "I shall be extra nice to my 'girlfriend' and a jerk to other girls" rule. You'll be surprised.
He doesn't even dare to press the doorbell to borrow the basketball from us. Goodness gracious. How hard can that be?
"I am just a friend who is coming to borrow a basketball." That isn't hard to say out loud.
I know I sound like a complete meanie right now. It's probably cuz I'm in a bad mood. Or maybe it's cuz he stepped on my tail by imitating my exclaimation or by saying that "she's the choir blah blah blah blah."
Since I'm mean now, I shall go all the way.
Firstly, when someone steps on your leg and nearly spoils your slippers, you don't go, "Oh." You go, "Ah!" or "Eeek!" or "Wha!" Understand? Is that very abnormal? I don't think so. So take your high pitched imitating voice and shove it down the drain.
Secondly, what has me being in the choir got ANYTHING to do with playing bball? The answer: NOTHING. So get this in your head.
Hmm. I seemed to have forgotten to mention that he doesn't call me by my name. He calls me by my SCHOOL name. It's bad enough that I'm having problems with my mum occasionally cuz of my school, and he just HAD to bring up. Please give me the basic respect I deserve as a human and use my name. We aren't NAMED for nothing, you know.
Psh. I feel slightly better. Very nasty, kinda b*****, but slightly better. x.x
Anyways. I wish them good luck in their relationship. (No, I'm serious here. There's no dramatic irony even though I was just scolding him a few seconds ago. I'm mean...but not THAT mean.) It's nice to see my little couzzie so happy. (even if it's for some guy she just met a few days ago.)
Now that the anger had disippated, I feel kinda numb.
Oh yeah. One last thing. This fat boy was bullying me when I went downstairs just now. I actually wanted to rant on about him.
But still...I've started to think that they're actually nice people. Just that they like to verbally abuse other people.
What's wrong with me? Why I can't I make up my mind?
Okay. I feel bad now. My couzzie's 'semi-boyfriend' is sorta a nice person. Even if he was kinda rude sometimes. But I think that some guys are probably like that. We can't exactly expect everyone to be like Frank right? x.x I think I have to thank god for him. He's so patient, that he can endure all the weird things I throw at him. Plus, I can't deny that I calmed down a little after he smsed me. Before that, I felt like smashing someone.
Eeeee. Shang is so violent. x.x
Bad memories are floating back. I'm pretty much chucked full with them. My mum whacking me with the cane.....children at pri school bullying me and calling me names.....and that incident.
I feel rather scarred. I feel like crying.
I know that people are there for me...but I just....I keep pushing them away. It's like I'm telling myself that I don't need them or something.
Like there's this voice which keeps saying, "You don't need them...because they don't need you."
And then I get all whiny and...oh god.
......
......
I mean...why do people have to...keep hurting me? So much so that now I'm like...subconsciously afraid to come in contact with them. I have an extremely low EQ now.
If there's one thing relationships have taught me, it's that you can be easily replaced by someone else anytime. They can tell you, "Oh, you're so special...you're unique..." And then go off with another person the next day.
You don't need them...because they don't need you.
It's not true right? Please tell me it isn't true.
I'm really tired of....like...acting all tough and vulgar or stuff. I don't like rebutting people whenever they say nasty things to me. But I can't cry either right? It's not like....min is coming to save me...or dan is coming to shoo them off...or ning is going to make them go away....
We're all so far apart now. But I'm still the weakest.
I know I've always been. It's just that it has never been so evident...up till now.
It was raining that day. A little kitten sat inside a tiny worn-out cardboard box, mewing at the passerbys. It tried to shelter itself from the rain, but what can something so small, such as it, do? Miserable and soaked from head to tail, it shook its head to clear the water from its fur and looked down at the wet brown cardboard.
"Huh?" A voice came from above.
The kitten looked up and mewed gently. Please...Please take me home...I'm hungry...and tired...
A boy bent down and picked up the kitten. He stroke its greyish-white fur fondly and sheltered it from the rain in his jacket. "You look like you've been through a lot." He stood up slowly, careful not to drop the kitten. The grey kitten looked at the boy and for a moment, their eyes met. The kitten wondered if he was going to be like the others. Would he pick it up for a moment, before putting it back into the horrendous cardboard box once again? Or would the kitten finally find a home with him?
Then he smiled.
"It's okay, don't be afraid. Look at you, you're shivering."
He stroked the small and bony body of the kitten, and it shuddered under his touch.
It's warm. The kitten licked his finger curiously. It's different.
The boy covered his head with a hand while holding the kitten safe in his jacket with the other. "Hold on tight. Let's try to get home okay?" He sprinted off in a direction which the kitten did not know. The kitten mewed obediently.
As he ran, the kitten who was sitting in his jacket, purred happily and leaned against his orange coloured t-shirt. For once, it did not notice the rain or the coldness of the stares of all the people who once walked past it.
Finally. A home.
After a couple of blocks, the boy finally reached the steps of his house. Excited, he peered into his jacket to check on the kitten. The kitten lay in his jacket, as if sleeping.
He chuckled. The little thing must be tired, he thought to himself. He stroked it gently and whispered, "Hey little one, we're home. So wake up. I've got a lot to show you."
The kitten did not stir.
Noticing that something was wrong, he shook the kitten slightly. "Hey...what's wrong...?"
The small little kitten continued to lay peacefully in his jacket, as if having a good dream. A small smile was displayed on its face. A sight of content.
It was then, he knew. He was too late.
The boy knelt down and started to cry. "Why..." He shook his head. It was not fair. Why would such an innocent thing die such an early death? What have the people done to it?
Yet still, the kitten continued to sleep contentedly.
Maybe...if he had heard the last words of the kitten...if he had understood what it wanted to say...
Thank you so much...master. I'll be fine now.
If only...he was a slightly earlier. If he had found it earlier, maybe they could have had a happy life together?
Artist: Tsukiko Amano Video Game: Fatal Frame III Song title: “Koe” (voice)
English Lyrics
If you were living In the depths of the ocean, I would become a fish Just to be with you.
I would descend the deepest of pits, Wander the darkness forever as a shadow Just to be with you.
Our memories still drift vividly I had been drowning in my own sorrow
You’re gone. I know I know
The sun rises, rises, purifies my world. A tepid wind carries off the tattoo carved into my mind.
If it would bring these Words to you Then I would gladly Sacrifice my voice
A vivid scar and this despair Your warmth that overwhelms all my sadness
I yearned for it Yearned for it Even if it is just an illusion
The fading, fading warmth takes me away I want to fall asleep in your forgiving embrace
The sun rises, rises, purifies my world I want to fall asleep in your forgiving embrace The fading, fading warmth takes me away A tepid wind carries off the tattoo carved into my mind.
Memories are wearing thin with time. I’m like an earring without its needle.
I forget, It all fades, Your voice vanishes amidst the noise of a crowd.
It falls apart, I lose my grip. I’m like an earring without its needle.
I forget, without a trace, Your voice becomes static.
Name: Sakura Rikami
Birthday: 15th June
Location: In the deepest depths of hell
Age: Sure...I'll tell you if you come to hell with me. xD
{Faves/Desires/Wishes}
-I just want someone to release me from my hell.
-Cosplay costumes?
-An Ipod. (I wanna listen to songs!)
-Comics. LOTS of comics.
-Lazy to write the rest...^^"