At first, I didn't want to post this up on this blog...cuz I didn't want some people from the past, trying to interfere with me when I've already moved on. However, I feel that I should put the link to my new blog here because I have some old friends whom I don't want to leave behind.
Today's been a fairly interesting day. I went down and got to see some people playing basketball. They move really fast and you can actually feel the wind as they dash past you. I think guys who play basketball can be quite attractive if they are good. =x However, it always depends...really.
Hannah came over to borrow my com for photoshop usage...It didn't work out so well though... I'm so sorry. x.x
We talked about stuffs and then I got confused about some things again. I wonder if I've been in some bad company lately. All of the sudden, I kinda miss my pri sch friends again. But I don't think we're that close anymore. Nothing will go back to what it was I suppose... Saying so, we do have an outing on next Sat. *nods* and i'm looking forward to it.
Sometimes I think people like to cheat my feelings. They like to torture me and leave me hanging there. I suspect that it's like...their fun and hobby and stuff.
.....yeah right. I'm gullible and a goody goody two-shoes but I hate being used. So don't use me kay? =)
I dislike blogging now. Seriously. I think it's a desperate waste of time and that if you're not careful about what you blog, people will flame you for it.
Hmmmm....what else is there?
Oh yeah. Haven't been talking much to frank lately. In fact, it's astounding that i'm talking more to his friend than him. D=
HEAR THAT FRANK? RAWR. ._.
And when I'm talking to him, he throws squids at me when I'm hungry and tells me to eat them. (Like raw squids. ._. ) Darn you kitty torturer. (HEAR THAT AGAIN FRANK? XD)
Ah...and then there was this issue with Phyllis. She is suddenly a very nice girl to me. o.o I dunno. But I found myself liking her slightly more than before.
The world IS unpredictable.
And then....I thought about HT. Like...how we met...and the way we laughed and smiled together. Even the parts where I was ostracized and how she sorta became my enemy in a timeline of one day. I remembered how everybody...all my friends in school...disappeared and left me just like that.
And that how I coldly felt that I really had no friends. No matter what I did.
It feels strange now...to think about all these. ._. I wondered if they were really my friends, because they disappeared and rejected me when I needed them the most. I gave everything for them, but they couldn't even give me a 'friend'.
I was really so hurt and upset then. I was angry, but I was angry with myself for being friends with them. I kept hurting myself.
So hannah asked me today, "So you realized that they weren't really your friends, but actually your friend's friends?"
My mind went, "Yeah. I guess I did."
Then there was this part...where she asked me if I could have HT back as my best friend, if everything could return to what it was in the past...would I have done it?
I thought about it really hard. If I got back HT back as my best friend, I would cry. I would cry till my eyes bleed and I'll tell her how important a friend she was to me. But...if that were to happen...
I'll lose them. I'll lose Haz, hazel, mirul, hannah, jiale... everybody. I've never told them. But they are really important to me. I can't. I can't lose them.
Part of me didn't want to return to the life I had before. Yet part of me wanted to have her back as a friend. I was told that she probably never forgave me, even if I had forgiven her.
I really miss her. I really do.
When she cried that day, due to her history marks, I stood outside of the cubicle. I wanted to rush in. I wanted to tell her that she had me.
I am your friend...and that's what I'm here for.
But I simply kept quiet. And there was a far-off kind of feeling. She had friends now...but they were more of aquaintances. So she was different from me. She was so lonely.
That said...I don't regret meeting my current friends now. I'm so happy. Everyday I'm with them...I smile and laugh non-stop. I'll give everything for them. Really.
If only we can all continue like this...forever and ever. But I know that the end is nearing. We're graduating soon.
It won't stop us though. =) Hannah said 'to have faith and believe'. I think so too. After all, we're seriously one crazy bunch of people.
Gah. I'm tired. Plus I'm still thinking about my EOY plans for this year since I can only cosplay after my o's. Most probably I'll be doing a guy character, so I don't need to worry about hentai jiji's this time. =.= There has been a rising trend for that and seriously...it's horrendously scary. My cousin was 'busy' and he didn't come with me last year. Thankfully, I was kept safe by my senior, ning, ning's neighbour guy and of course, frank. =D
(No hentai jiji's came near ning because she had the sharp weapon between the both of us and could easily stab them to death... xDDDDDDDDD )
Ahahahahaha.
Wow. I manage to spam such a long post. So I guess you guys are happy? =) I'll go and play fatal frame with my couzzies now. See ya~
When I was younger...I always thought that I should never ever lie to my mother and that I must never disobey her. I always thought...that maybe if I was a good girl, she'll love me more.
I guess I was wrong.
I used to...tell my friends...to think about things from their parents' point of view whenever they have had quarrels with their parents.
I was the perfect child. Understanding...obedient...I don't even go out often.
No wonder my friend once snapped at me and said that I didn't understand.
I was so stupid. I couldn't even tell that all I said was a bunch of crap.
Yeah...look at things from their point of view. But have they ever looked at things from our point of view?
She does love me. I know that. But I wasn't outstanding enough. I wasn't good enough. I wasn't mature enough.
Everything wasn't enough. Don't you think that it was funny?
It's so funny that I think that I can cry.
Why...? Why can't you be more outstanding...? My dearest dearest me.
Why...? Was methodist girls and SCGS too hard for you to get in? My god. What a stupid child. What a stupid me.
I feel like some pathetic kid who can't even do things properly.
I can see her love. I can see it so clearly. But sometimes...you can't seem to stop staring at those two other outstanding girls on the other side right?
Were you wishing that I wasn't so pathetic? Maybe. Cuz I wish so too.
I wish I didn't always made you and father feel so embarrassed.
I wish that I wasn't always overshadowed by everybody.
I wish that I was smarter. I wish that I was prettier. I wish that I was much more understanding.
Every single time I think that I feel that I'm breaking, someone would be extremely kind enough to tell me about how much work they have and how they are worse off than me.
If you think that would make me feel better, well...it doesn't.
Because you know what...? I'll feel sorry for that person and then I'll hate myself for being so whiny over 'a couple of small stuffs'.
If there was one thing my secondary school taught me, was that it doesn't pay to be kind.
When you go to the other classrooms for classes and leave your bag, you'll return to find it on the floor, after it was stepped on about a million times. And guess what? You made sure that you took great care of the other person's belongings. You arranged it nicely and you picked up papers that flew away because of their negligence.
If Freya was here, she would laugh at me. She would say, "See? I told you." And look away from my stupidity.
You treat people nicely...and they backstab you. They tell everybody else what a b**** you have been.
You talk to people nicely...and just because she has a personal grudge against you, she treats you like you are worse than shit. Like you're not even supposed to exist.
You cry...and people laugh at you. They tell you how much of a crybaby you are.
I feel so sad. I feel so heavy emotionally.
I feel like killing everybody and stopping all this nonsense. But I can't...can I?
I warned you, didn't I? I told you that I was going to disappear already. I pleaded with you...I wanted you to understand...
But you ignored my pleas of help.
Now...it's too late. Now...I feel nothing.
Everyone has abandoned me. Everyone tells me..."No. I have not abandoned you. YOU have abandoned yourself and me."
But you know what...? The evil part of me doesn't care.
If you can...
Please save me from my own darkness. Because I cannot hold on any longer.
Oh...and while watching, I came across this rather funny comment:
"Does Spit Fire REALLY die!?!?Spit Fire can't die.He was,like,the Flame King!I F***ING HATE NIKE AND SORA!! "
(Of course, the censorship was done by me. Can't have vulgarities over my blog, can we? =)
I laughed at this comment lol. Because I thought that it was really so true. When Spit Fire died, (which I still do not believe up till now) I went, "OMG WTH. HE DIED. HOLY. IT'S IMPOSSIBLEE!!!!!" And you can possibly hear my echoes of rage for the next week or so.
It was so sad. (and weird.)
He was one of the characters I liked more in Air Gear...with his funny poses and yet serious expressions.
Agito called him a 'homo' in front of Kazu once. (after spitfire died and kazu tried to train to avenge him.) I thought it was pretty amusing. We all know that Agito isn't really the kindest person with words and spitfire IS a hairstylist.
Air Gear is so insane.
And did I mention that they rip out people's clothes for no rhyme or reason at all? The author simply goes, "Hey! Let's add some flavour!" and some poor girl's clothes gets torn. (and always at the chest part.) For example, the latest clothes ripping was on Simca, by Nike. (Omg. First, he killed spitfire and now he's hitting on Simca!?)
Pervert. x.x
Anyways...I think I'll go attempt to draw Agito later.
I think most probably my next cosplay would be Agito. I can't wait. I'm gonna work hard and pass this year. Then I'll fly into the arms of the costume.
Maybe Hazel will be my Akito. xD It's really up to her.
This is all for today. I actually wanted to blog more...but i guess i lost the beat.
School's been dreadful but still okay to pass. Cuz i have my friends. =)
I miss the old me. (somehow)
P.S: Orca called Agito a genius at battles! LOLOLOLOL. Even the enemy agrees that he's good.
My last few rounds were inhabited by two ppl...a guy and a girl. They were screaming "KOR!" and "MEI!" all over the place. If I was a mean person, I would roll my eyes. But I wasn't. So what I did was: Keeping quiet and maintaining a calm expression on my face.
It's seriously not that I have anything against god-brothers and sisters. In fact, I think that they're a good thing, especially when you're the only child in your family. But strangely enough, people always...well...they just don't get how important that bond is. They just go, "Heyheyhey! Do you wanna be my gan-kor? (god-brother) You wan? Okay hor! Then we from now on brothers!" And somehow, it makes them unduly happy.
You don't go around and acknowledge any random passerby or some friend that you've met only weeks ago as your god-brother.
Worse still...those two people were ganging up in an arguement with a guy. They were scolding vulgarities all over the place and wasting everybody's time. I don't think that we have donkey years to hear them scolding nonsensical stuffs over and over again. In fact, they only used simple words such as "ccb" or "knnccb" or "dog" (I seriously dunno why they bother with this word.) or "siao" and etc etc.
I think this reflects on their intellect. Honestly. If you want to have arguements, please have it in a civillized way. I didn't want to flame or blog so agitatedly at first...but i think that thinking about it makes me sad and somehow mad.
I pray for their parents. If they were my kids, I'll either beat them up so bad till they've learnt their lesson, or I'll disown them. Maybe it's cuz I had friends before who were very bad too. It hurts me to see them destroy themselves so slowly but surely. Especially the girl...my god. The way she scolded vulgarities...
Do you honestly think a nice man would fall for you and marry you in the future?
I think she'll probably get stuck with hooligans at this rate and her husband will abuse her everyday if this continues. She even asked her 'kor' whether he had a gang. o.O
Like...omg?
So what if he has? Are you gonna mobilize his entire 'brotherhood' to go beat up some guy who dissed you off in audition? That's the funny thing about people. Maple...audition... They are all mindless games which just provide entertainment for the kids who feel stressed over their work.
And are you going to treat it like it's your life and kill someone over it?
"OMG! HE KSED ME! The b******! WE MUST GO KILL HIM." =.=
It's only a monster. I repeat... A monster. ONE monster.
Even if it is a boss monster, it's just ONE monster. Will it kill you to try to find it again? Or you can spend the next two hours of waiting for that ONE monster on more useful stuffs, such as doing your most probably unfinished work and some other things you have lying around in the house.
I feel so exasperated and I don't even know why.
Okay...back to the audition. Anyways...you'll probably ask me, "Since you are so frustrated and you hate them so much, why don't you just leave the room? It's not like there's no other rooms in audition for you to hop to."
My answer to that would be: I only remained in the same room as the intellectually challenged because...
1. I am a kid. I like winning. *smiles* 2. I wanted to teach them a lesson BY winning. 3. I wanted to show them that they're not the BEST in the world. That is a disillusion.
In the end, the guy was super lousy and didn't put up much of the fight. So I played more against the girl. She was chancing and I was not. (In case you don't know, chancing in audition brings about more points. So when you don't chance, you lose out.) Yet I managed to take over her in the last 10 seconds. I bet she'll probably be unable to sleep tonight.
I bet I sound kiddy. But it doesn't matter. Since you're only young for once in your life. I like to enjoy life as it goes by.
To wrap up their little 'game', they went "muackzzzzzz" and "hugs" and "miss you! xD" to each other before they went off.
The Nice Me: Um...okay? o.O The Mean Me: OMG. I sense incest!
Funny thing was...they were supposed to sorta sms each other later or wadever i think. So I guess the few minutes that they were not seeing each other actually makes them wanna die.
"They scold me ccb nvm. But they scold kor ccb! Cannot forgive!"
*Blows a whistle (the types which the DM uses)*
It's obvious that she has a crush on him. Cuz the guy already said that it was okay le. (a.k.a he calmed down. So it was plus points for his intelligence.) But she wouldn't let it go.
It's true. If someone said something nasty about someone important to me, I'll probably use the death glare and return my vengence twicefold.
But since I'm in a mean state now, I shall bluntly state the obvious: She's just trying to make her 'kor' like her more.
I hope that her 'kor' notices. I mean...they're so matching for each other. =.=
I think I'm just being picky and mean. I dunno. Maybe it's the heat.
I just...really got sick of such people. They really have no lives.
Nobody was born bad. So I really dunno what happened to them.
I feel so mean, so evil and so b******.
*sigh*
I don't even know why I bother to play such mindless games! o.O
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
*runs around screaming*
I need frank. ;_;
I need psycological counseling.
I've been quite irritated at confronting or talking to people recently. I don't know why.
Ever since the start of this year, my dark side has been spilling and overflowing.
I just can't be bother with people and I inevitably direct my anger towards some poor ones. (not the two mentioned above though. =.= They deserve it and all that I've written are truly my heartfelt thoughts.)
She's from taiwan...wanwan's friend lol. She's so ultra cool.
When she left, we hugged and then she went back. I think I'll sorta miss her.
But there's this really really nice feeling in me. Like...this warm feeling that flows through your heart. I'm really happy.
Oh yeah. I forgot to mention. Recently, both ning and ian have been coming over to help me with my staff. It's ALMOST done. I'll do some painting and sculpting tonight and it should be done by tomorrow. I'll take a photo then and send it to ning.
I finally found min's blog address. I went crazy and asked her for it. Then I tagged.
I can see that wanwan is very very good with guys. She has like...an official husband...two male 'concubines' and an affair with another guy LOL. (of course, this is exaggerated.)
But yeah. I don't think I can ever be that 'lucky'. xD
Actually, if you think about it, having many people who like you would be very bothersome.
So I don't think I need so many people LOL. I just need one who can last me a lifetime.
Too bad for me though. I'm always dressing up so...casually. Guys who see me will run awaaaay.
Hahahahahahahaha.
Maybe I should be a lesbian.
LOL. Joking. I'm far too much in love with pretty boys.
Anyways. I'm going off to bathe now. So today's post shall be short.
P.s: I still dunno whether I should do a guy or girl for next year cosplay...that is...IF I'm going. x.x Haix.
I guess it's been so long. I wonder how you're doing from time to time.
I'm doing fine. At least...I think so.
You know...that day you left.
Well. I've been thinking about it.
Maybe I should have stopped you. Maybe I should have cried and said, "Don't go."
But I guess...it wouldn't have made a difference right?
You didn't love me anymore. It's useless for you to stay anyway.
I've always wondered how much I weighed in your heart. Maybe not a lot.
Maybe I didn't even matter.
But still...
My feelings were true.
I know it's stupid. I often laughed at myself for that.
It's not like the world ended, just because you weren't there.
Yet it hurts. It's like a wound which would never heal.
Do you know? I bet you don't.
I bet I'm the only one who is stupid enough to continue crying.
I bet I was the only one who really started to learn to love.
And now...I'm the one who had lost.
You walked away with just a pained look and perhaps a couple of hidden tears.
But I was the one who was stuck in the past. Forever.
I really regretted this.
So please...stop torturing me. Just go away.
Don't treat me ever so gently. Even in my dreams. Just...disappear. ___________________________________________________________________
Hmm. Wow. This song is so powerful. o.O
I'm currently listening to Angela Aki's song, Sakurairo. (or Sakura-Iro)
I don't know whether they're heartfelt thoughts. But I was trying to put myself in the shoes of someone who had lost her lover. So I hoped that I did well. xD
Today we went down for basketball again.
I remember that for the past few days, someone was having problems understanding why she liked someone else. Then she asked me, I said I dunno. I mean...obviously, I'm not her. So how in the world would I know her feelings?
But today I think I know. I was observing the guy occasionally. Then I realized that he's actually very kind. Maybe being good and kind would make some girls bored, but seriously. He's a nice boy. So I'm not very worried that he'll hurt her. I think it would be the other way instead.
Poor things.
I kinda expected this outcome though. When you have so many trees in the forest and stuff.
I did warn her. I did say that she's subconsciously flirting with the other guys. But she wouldn't believe me. Hmph.
Oh well...it's their problem.
Not that it's really any of my business anyway...Nowadays people don't really bother about me. And in reply, I don't bother about them either.
I think I'm going into one of my "I depise the whole world and the ugly humans who live in it." mode.
Alright. I'm blogging off. Shall add the lyrics for the new song here. ___________________________________________________________________
Sakura-Iro - Angela Aki (Japanese)
Kawazoi ni saiteta Sakura namiki wo Tomo ni ikite yuku to Futari de aruita Sekai ni nomikomare Hakidasarete mo Tada soba ni itakute Motto motto motto
Jikan no nagare to ai no hazama ni ochite Anata wo ushinatta
Koishikute me wo tojireba Ano goro no futari ga iru Sakura-iro no anata wo wasure nai Zutto zutto zutto
Anata kara hanarete Jibun wo shitta Yume ni chikadukitakute Motto motto motto
Hitei no kotoba ni oshitsubusarete mo Hai agari tatakai tsuduketa
Kurushikute me wo tojireba Ano goro no jibun ga iru Sakura-iro no watashi wo wasure nai Zutto zutto zutto
Furusato kokoro no naka de ima demo Yasashiku hibiku yo Sonna uta ga kikoeru
Koishikute me wo tojireba Ano goro no futari ga iru Sakura-iro no anata no koto wo Sakura-iro no watashi no koto wo Sakura-iro no jidai wo wasure nai Zutto zutto zutto Zutto zutto zutto
(English)
Along the river a row of cherryblossom trees are blossoming The two of us, living together, walking this path together And though this world may swallow me up and spit me I simply want to be by your side Forever and ever
But alas, we were caught in the flow of time and the loop of love, and one day you passed away
Oh my beloved, if I close my eyes I can see the two of us, way back then Oh the sight of you, colored by the cherryblossom is something I will never, ever, forget
After parting with you I started to understand myself and my dreams got closer, and closer within reach
Tough negative words crushed me at times once the dust would settle, I’d continue the fight
Oh the pain! If I close my eyes I can see how I was back then But the image of myself, colored by the cherryblossom is something I will never, ever, forget
Even now my home is gently echoing throughout my heart I can hear that song right now...
Oh my beloved, if I close my eyes I can see the two of us, way back then the sight of you, colored by the cherryblossom the image of myself, colored by the cherryblossom oh that time, of the cherryblossom color I will never, ever, never ever, forget
Name: Sakura Rikami
Birthday: 15th June
Location: In the deepest depths of hell
Age: Sure...I'll tell you if you come to hell with me. xD
{Faves/Desires/Wishes}
-I just want someone to release me from my hell.
-Cosplay costumes?
-An Ipod. (I wanna listen to songs!)
-Comics. LOTS of comics.
-Lazy to write the rest...^^"